Familia *Updated*

So, I am sitting at the airport preparing to meet some more of my family. Specifically, going to meet my Dad's oldest sister, her children/my cousins and my 2 younger sisters. I'm excited, but weary. I'll be there through the New Year and don't know what to expect since I don't know any of them. To make things a little more interesting my Dad who was supposed to arrive this evening now won't be getting here till late tomorrow night. So, the buffer I was counting on to break the ice no longer will be there for my comfort. I think what makes me weary is the notion that when I meet them they will automatically feel like family at least that's how my Dad and his sister act. I'm not naive enough to believe that. The bond I have with my family both biological and not came with time and through many experiences that helped to breed a sense of trust and love that one only experiences with someone they would consider family. I'm sure I'll have fun. I've learned in life to make the best out of any situation and I refuse to be down there and not enjoy myself. I just hope they're not wack or something. That's the thing about family...no matter how wack they might be I can't exchange or return them.

I'm hoping they have wireless so I can blog the experience. I never got around to purchasing a digital camera so I don't know how many pictures I'll have to document the week.


*Updated as of Wed, Dec 30th*

Well, I've been here for 2 days and my Dad still isn't here. He's now supposed to get here tomorrow morning. I sure hope so because I am pretty bored. Thank goodness for twitter and internet. Don't get me wrong it hasn't been all bad. The bright spots so far have been me getting to chat with my cousins. They're pretty cool peoples. It's easier to talk to them because they seem very relaxed about getting to know me and aren't pressing anything. My Aunt on the other hand is a different story. I understand she's just trying to make me feel comfortable and like family, but her efforts are really only working against her. She seems to have this expectation that because I'm "family" that I'm going to feel comfortable with them as if I've known them my whole life. I've noticed even with her children that she's kind of overbearing. So, I understand that it's in her nature to be jye controlling of situations. I don't know what she expects of me, but I guess whatever it is I'm not fulfilling that. She keeps asking me if I'm nervous or stressed, which I'm neither. At best I feel out of place because I don't know these people and they obviously have lives to lead and having me here is not super convenient considering my Dad was supposed to be here. My Dad's sister asked me if I would've come so early if at all if I would've known that my Dad wasn't going to be here until tomorrow. Honestly, I lied to her mainly because I didn't want to open pandora's box by telling her the truth, which was that more than likely I wouldn't have come if I would've known. At best I would've come much later in the week when I knew for certain that he was going to be here. It's not that I didn't want to meet her and my cousins. It's moreso because my priority is getting to know my Dad,but also because it is a tad strange to be in a stranger's house no matter how we might be biologically related.

Here's to a better second half of my vacation.

Dealing

It has been quite a while since I've blogged as you know. The main reason I haven't blogged is because I didn't want to face my feelings and thoughts like I would if I would have given them life by documenting them here. I was hoping that I could just deal with them and move on. Boy, was I wrong. Last Sunday at my church, shout-out to Kingdom Worship Center, we had an amazing yet unusal move of God. Amazing because God spoke ever so clearly and poignantly for what I and based on the reaction of the congegration what so much of us have been going through. Unusual because the Word was spoken through Bishop at our Columbia location that morning and instead of trying to replicate the Lord told him to just replay the recording at our 10:30 am service. I cried so hard....it was a cry that had been stuck for me for quite some time. This cry was so cleansing and relieving. The majority of this year has been marked with depression based on my dissatisfaction for where I am/was in life professionally, personally, emotionally, romantically, spiritually, etc. This depression was heightened by the fact that I didn't really know exactly what to do about any of it. I had broad concepts like trust in God, seek His face, etc., but I needed/need more. Last Sunday God spoke to me and told me that all I have been waiting for is just around the corner...that what He has for me is something I can't really prepare for. Basically, he told me to stop stressing. At that point I had no where else to turn and nothing else to do. So, I did just that. No, the action of letting go does not automatically fix anything but it does put the burden on someone else...the only someone else that can truly handle it; God! Bishop challenged us to remain in a state of deliverance and to not pick our burdens back up. This was truly a challenge because as I leave the safe haven of church I'm quickly approached by the reality of my situations. The one I feel the weakest in is my romantic status. Seeing his face is a constant reminder of the depth of my feelings, the state of my heart, the fact that as much as I am in love with him it doesn't matter because that is not where he is. I spoke to him this week and told him that I missed him even though I had been trying hard not to. He responded postiviely, but it's just not the same. I don't know what I was trying to accomplish, but it felt good getting it off my chest. After so long I still find myself wanting to hear his voice, feel his touch, breathe the same air, reside in the same space...I still find myself wanting to love him! I don't know if those desire will ever cease to exist. I sure hope they do because he has moved on with his life and I need to as well. There's a beautiful song by Eric Roberson featuring Lalah Hathaway entitled, "Dealing" that so eloquently describes how I am feeling. I was almost tempted to flashback to high school and leave this song on his voicemail without a message from me. I'm sure he would know who it's from.

Well, here you go. Enjoy!