Dealing

It has been quite a while since I've blogged as you know. The main reason I haven't blogged is because I didn't want to face my feelings and thoughts like I would if I would have given them life by documenting them here. I was hoping that I could just deal with them and move on. Boy, was I wrong. Last Sunday at my church, shout-out to Kingdom Worship Center, we had an amazing yet unusal move of God. Amazing because God spoke ever so clearly and poignantly for what I and based on the reaction of the congegration what so much of us have been going through. Unusual because the Word was spoken through Bishop at our Columbia location that morning and instead of trying to replicate the Lord told him to just replay the recording at our 10:30 am service. I cried so hard....it was a cry that had been stuck for me for quite some time. This cry was so cleansing and relieving. The majority of this year has been marked with depression based on my dissatisfaction for where I am/was in life professionally, personally, emotionally, romantically, spiritually, etc. This depression was heightened by the fact that I didn't really know exactly what to do about any of it. I had broad concepts like trust in God, seek His face, etc., but I needed/need more. Last Sunday God spoke to me and told me that all I have been waiting for is just around the corner...that what He has for me is something I can't really prepare for. Basically, he told me to stop stressing. At that point I had no where else to turn and nothing else to do. So, I did just that. No, the action of letting go does not automatically fix anything but it does put the burden on someone else...the only someone else that can truly handle it; God! Bishop challenged us to remain in a state of deliverance and to not pick our burdens back up. This was truly a challenge because as I leave the safe haven of church I'm quickly approached by the reality of my situations. The one I feel the weakest in is my romantic status. Seeing his face is a constant reminder of the depth of my feelings, the state of my heart, the fact that as much as I am in love with him it doesn't matter because that is not where he is. I spoke to him this week and told him that I missed him even though I had been trying hard not to. He responded postiviely, but it's just not the same. I don't know what I was trying to accomplish, but it felt good getting it off my chest. After so long I still find myself wanting to hear his voice, feel his touch, breathe the same air, reside in the same space...I still find myself wanting to love him! I don't know if those desire will ever cease to exist. I sure hope they do because he has moved on with his life and I need to as well. There's a beautiful song by Eric Roberson featuring Lalah Hathaway entitled, "Dealing" that so eloquently describes how I am feeling. I was almost tempted to flashback to high school and leave this song on his voicemail without a message from me. I'm sure he would know who it's from.

Well, here you go. Enjoy!