Trends

I'm a very introspective person. I like to understand myself and why I am the way I am. I've been like this as far as I can remember. In my adult life I feel like most times I am analyzing my relationships with other people both male and female with family and friends. Lately I have been thinking on the construction of those people closest to me as well as men that I find myself attracted to. I realized that I tend to be attracted to me who are largely unavailable to me in some way or another. The reason why is mystery...both of my parents abandoned me to some extent. Of course, my fathers absence wasn't his choice, but that doesn't eradicate the effects it had on me. My mom doing the best she can charged my grandparents for my care along with my siblings in attempts to establish herself so she could care for us herself. Either way I experienced being left and finding good "reasons" to let them off the hook for the pain I endured.

Fast forward to my first crush, HBC. He started the trend of wanting guys I couldn't have...either they were out of my league, or they were emotionally unavailable to me, or they cheated on me multiple times. Each time I loved them anyway always forgiving. I didn't know it then, but I was so used to people leaving and then coming back that the reason they left didn't much matter as long as I loved them because my love for them was always the constant. My love for them was the only thing I could count on because that's what I owned. This became very clear to me through the relationship with my most recent ex and the process it took for me to get over him as well as finding my father and trying to build a relationship with him. I spent most of the last 5 years loving and waiting for a man to be ready to fully committ to me because I loved him and hoped that the feelings he had for me would one day prevail. Boy, was I wrong. Now with my Dad. I am truly grateful he is in my life as I've written in previous blogs. The only problem is I feel like the girl who gets taken for granted because he knows I'm not going anywhere because I love him. With all he's going through in Chicago with his wife I am forced to be the understanding one. I have to deny my wants and needs to get to know my father and bond with him. Understanding is exactly what I try to be, but it sucks. When does Celenia get some attention. When do I come first? When does someone make me a priority?

I'm so used to people leaving that I've conditioned myself to being as low maintenance as possible. I try to be as accommodating as I can so that you won't want to leave, but if you do you'll hopefully want to come back because I don't require much. I give to everyone close to me as much as I possibly can without completely draining myself because I hope one day I'll have that in my life. Now, here I am again liking another guy I can't have. He's virtually impossible to avoid not that I really want to since he's one of the few genuine friends I have especially in the past several months. I try to chill on my attraction to him, which is hard sometimes because there's so much about him that I like and think that I could love, but that's not going to happen. Let's not even talk about the fact that I doubt that he even is attracted me in that way and I don't blame him...I don't exactly fit his type. So, if I know all these things then why do I continue to hold onto an inkling of hope that one day maybe (in my dreams at least) we'll be together? I am not sure exactly why, but I hope two things (1) that I can get over this silly crush before I lose a friend and (2) that I stop setting myself up for disappointment in relationships.

I should probably stop just accepting things, learn to raise the standard for the people in my life and stop investing so much in people who aren't showing any form of reciprocation. I'm sure there's more I should do...maybe I should see a therapist. I'm still learning about myself in hopes to continue this journey of becoming a better me.

Anyone ever seen a therapist before? How'd it go? Any trends in your life that you're trying to end?