Trends

I'm a very introspective person. I like to understand myself and why I am the way I am. I've been like this as far as I can remember. In my adult life I feel like most times I am analyzing my relationships with other people both male and female with family and friends. Lately I have been thinking on the construction of those people closest to me as well as men that I find myself attracted to. I realized that I tend to be attracted to me who are largely unavailable to me in some way or another. The reason why is mystery...both of my parents abandoned me to some extent. Of course, my fathers absence wasn't his choice, but that doesn't eradicate the effects it had on me. My mom doing the best she can charged my grandparents for my care along with my siblings in attempts to establish herself so she could care for us herself. Either way I experienced being left and finding good "reasons" to let them off the hook for the pain I endured.

Fast forward to my first crush, HBC. He started the trend of wanting guys I couldn't have...either they were out of my league, or they were emotionally unavailable to me, or they cheated on me multiple times. Each time I loved them anyway always forgiving. I didn't know it then, but I was so used to people leaving and then coming back that the reason they left didn't much matter as long as I loved them because my love for them was always the constant. My love for them was the only thing I could count on because that's what I owned. This became very clear to me through the relationship with my most recent ex and the process it took for me to get over him as well as finding my father and trying to build a relationship with him. I spent most of the last 5 years loving and waiting for a man to be ready to fully committ to me because I loved him and hoped that the feelings he had for me would one day prevail. Boy, was I wrong. Now with my Dad. I am truly grateful he is in my life as I've written in previous blogs. The only problem is I feel like the girl who gets taken for granted because he knows I'm not going anywhere because I love him. With all he's going through in Chicago with his wife I am forced to be the understanding one. I have to deny my wants and needs to get to know my father and bond with him. Understanding is exactly what I try to be, but it sucks. When does Celenia get some attention. When do I come first? When does someone make me a priority?

I'm so used to people leaving that I've conditioned myself to being as low maintenance as possible. I try to be as accommodating as I can so that you won't want to leave, but if you do you'll hopefully want to come back because I don't require much. I give to everyone close to me as much as I possibly can without completely draining myself because I hope one day I'll have that in my life. Now, here I am again liking another guy I can't have. He's virtually impossible to avoid not that I really want to since he's one of the few genuine friends I have especially in the past several months. I try to chill on my attraction to him, which is hard sometimes because there's so much about him that I like and think that I could love, but that's not going to happen. Let's not even talk about the fact that I doubt that he even is attracted me in that way and I don't blame him...I don't exactly fit his type. So, if I know all these things then why do I continue to hold onto an inkling of hope that one day maybe (in my dreams at least) we'll be together? I am not sure exactly why, but I hope two things (1) that I can get over this silly crush before I lose a friend and (2) that I stop setting myself up for disappointment in relationships.

I should probably stop just accepting things, learn to raise the standard for the people in my life and stop investing so much in people who aren't showing any form of reciprocation. I'm sure there's more I should do...maybe I should see a therapist. I'm still learning about myself in hopes to continue this journey of becoming a better me.

Anyone ever seen a therapist before? How'd it go? Any trends in your life that you're trying to end?

Getting Through vs Getting Over

"You don't get over, you get through...over is the easy way and it's temporary."
~Demetria Lucas bka Belle Woods author of one of my most favorite blogs ABelleinBrooklyn

That quote came from Belle's formspring when someone asked her for suggestions on how to get over someone. The first part of her answer was for them to take their time and that there was no magic potion to make it go away. Part B of her answer(above) really struck a chord with me because I have struggled with that very thing for quite some time...the length of that time is somewhat embarassing considering I had told myself countless times how I should have been "over" him already as if it was a 24 hour virus or something. Needless to say at this point I'm closer to the light at the end of the tunnel than I've ever been.

I've written about him and my feelings for him before. The feelings were strong. At one point I truly believed that he coul quite possibly become my husband one day. I absolutely love(d) him and was in love with him. I love(d) him so much that I agreed to us just being friends so that he could focus on pursuing his career. He never lied to me (to my knowledge). We share(d) a special bond I had never shared with anyone to this point. Unfortunately, things didn't quite pan out the way that I had hoped. It took a while for my heart to believe what my mind knew, which was quite frustrating. I tried to follow the old saying, "the quickest way to get over somebody is to get a new somebody" (or something like that). That didn't work. I prayed, I cried, I ignored him, I read books, I read blogs, I wrote, I vented, etc. Nothing worked. Sometimes, I even wished that he would do something down right triflin thinking that would help me get over him faster. He didn't! It did get to a point where I could go days without thinking about him so long as I didn't see him or hear from him, but
that wasn't good enough.

Then it happened...I can't really pinpoint the exact date and time, but one day I woke up and the stronghold was lifted. Don't get me wrong I didn't magically stop being in love with him, but I did have a major peace in my heart about where I was and that the relationship I had wanted for so long wasn't going to happen. I had no bitterness towards him, although, I did recognize the need for our current friendship to change. I knew that I would have to show him through my actions that I was no longer waiting for him and that revolving door to my heart was now closed. Overall, the lesson I learned was that my inability to move on stemmed from my lack of faith in God and that just like everything else He's got my love life in His hands. I shared a few thoughts about that on my twitter page about a month ago (Follow me @WINLUZorDRAW).

Shoutout to @Tinamarink aka Christina for encouraging me back then to blog about my experience.

I'm not completely out of the woods yet, but I am on my way. I know the kind of love my heart yearns for is in my future.

Here Comes the Bride...

No, I am not engaged! BUT!!! Weddings and engagements are happening all around me. I actually just came back from Tampa Easter morning from participating in my cousin's nuptials. I had mixed feelings about being a part of her wedding for several reasons one of them being that it would be a prime opportunity for my family to lay on the pressure to get married being that I am 1 of 2 in my family of age that has yet to marry and even moreso I am the only one who isn't in a serious relationship that could lead to marriage. I won't lie and say that I don't think about getting married or if and when it will happen for me, but I am not overly concerned to the point of slight obsession like I know some women to be. I try to live my life and focus on what God has for me now, which can be hard at times since there are reminders everywhere with so many people I know and care about jumping the broom. I can't even count how many times aover the weekend n aunt, uncle, cousin or my grandmother mentioned to me that I was "next" and when I was going to finally get married as if my time was running out or something.

I was able to catch up with my former youth pastor from when I attended middle school at Anointed Word Academy in Tampa before having to leave and since he's known me since I was 12 he was able to shed a little light on some things. With marriage on my mind I used this opportunity to get his opinion on why I could possibly still be single (outside of God's timing for my life). I'm always up for some positive criticism and who better than for a man to give it to me. After much discussion he basically told me that I'm not throwing out the right bait. He said that I have an awareness about myself that most women my age don't have and that most men my age aren't mature enough to handle that. He even wondered whether I'm flirtatious, which of course caused me to laugh because a lot of what I hear from other females is that they think I'm too flirtatious. (Anyone who knows me knows the truth.) His point reminded me of something that one of my male associates has told me, which is that I come off as "taken". I honestly could not tell you if it is anything that I do or say that would give off that impression especially since I am not in a committed relationship. It's actually quite scary because if guys can notice that than it means that I am much more transparent than I realized; it means they can sense regardless of my relationship status that I am still very much in love with him. If that is indeed the case than how am I ever going to move on if moving on is what I am supposed to do. I have tried pretty much anything I can think of to shake this love thing and it doesn't go anywhere. I do admit that as of lately I don't want to shake it...I actually revel it. Of course, that is after many, many failed attempts to ignore it, replace it, pray it away, etc.

I shared with him an update on my current "situation" and how things have been and basically my thoughts on dating since a few of my female friends have been trying to encourage me to go out more and put myself out there more in order to date. They insist that the only way for me to get over him is to date and stuff, which I have tried in short spurts before. Honestly, I'm not thrilled about the the general concept of dating. I never have been. I enjoy meeting and getting to know new people, but for me dating breeds a conotation of selling oneself, which I am not to keen on. If someone finds me attractive just by being me and I find them attractive then great. If out of that attraction a friendship or romantic relationship is born even better. If not then cool at least I got a piece of eye candy for the time being. Shoot every one of my most memorable encounters have happened when I wasn't looking for it.

At the end of the day I know that I got to keep trusting God because there is no magic formula to this thing called love and marriage. If there is Lord I'm listening with pen and paper in hand so I can make my millions. :) I believe that marriage is in my future...when and with who is still a mystery to me. Whoever he is whether it's him or not God knows and that is good enough for me. The timing, although sometimes I be like God hurry up (excuse my grammar), is also something I'm leaving up to God cuz I don't want to be caught out of His will making a huge mistake of lifetime proportions.

Single Ladies and gents, how do you handle the pressure from friends and or family to date or to hurry up and settle down?

It's Been A Long Time...

It has been quite a while since I have had a real desire to blog. I hadn't felt inspired to write although there were quite a few times where I felt like I should. Writing is very therapeutic for me, but I chose not to despite the benefit mainly because I hate sounding like a broken record. I'm working on changing my perspective of situations. Obsessing over something won't change it. So, instead of being problem-oriented I've decided to be more solution oriented. Usually, I don't make new year's resolutions. I figured what's the point when by the 3rd week of January I've usually fallen off the wagon anyways. I do like to make goals for myself. I recently had the chance to create a vision board, which was great. I plan on doing another one that will be more like gallery art with affirmations. My goal for 2010 is to own a car, pay off my credit cards, pay ALL my bills on time every month, make steps towards my dream (still figuring that one out, which is why it is so vague). Basically, I want to be more disciplined especially in my finances. I can say proudly that I am well on my way to doing those things. First, giving all honor to God who is the head of my life and for giving me the means and the job to provide for myself. Sorry, I had a baptist relapse. But no seriously God showed so much favor on me this year that I received a raise and a bonus from my job. That bonus enabled me to pay off 2 of my credit cards and pay down my last credit card by 50%. Also, big thanks to my brother Stefane who so graciously has been helping me with my budget so that I get a better handle on my finances. It's amazing how much easier something can seem when you're not handling them on your own. It's even more amazing when God places people in your life who volunteer to tackle life's challenges with you as opposed to just doing the Christian cop-out of "I'll be praying for you.*" It felt good to see a bill and it have a zero balance. I look forward to seeing a few more bills say that. Whenever I pay off my student loans I am going to probably shout or run or both. Anyone who knows me knows that I don't do either of those things often, but being freed from the bondage that is student loans will so be worth it. Accomplishing those things definitely gave me the push I needed to keep going. It gave me hope that my big goal of buying a car this year will definitely happen. That will be another cause to run and/or shout. I'm sure I'll have a few people wanting to go in with me... Sidebar: when that happens I will gladly give rides to all those who have so lovingly given me a ride especially Omie who has done so for 6 years thus far.

So, yeah here's to getting things done in 2010!!!

Familia *Updated*

So, I am sitting at the airport preparing to meet some more of my family. Specifically, going to meet my Dad's oldest sister, her children/my cousins and my 2 younger sisters. I'm excited, but weary. I'll be there through the New Year and don't know what to expect since I don't know any of them. To make things a little more interesting my Dad who was supposed to arrive this evening now won't be getting here till late tomorrow night. So, the buffer I was counting on to break the ice no longer will be there for my comfort. I think what makes me weary is the notion that when I meet them they will automatically feel like family at least that's how my Dad and his sister act. I'm not naive enough to believe that. The bond I have with my family both biological and not came with time and through many experiences that helped to breed a sense of trust and love that one only experiences with someone they would consider family. I'm sure I'll have fun. I've learned in life to make the best out of any situation and I refuse to be down there and not enjoy myself. I just hope they're not wack or something. That's the thing about family...no matter how wack they might be I can't exchange or return them.

I'm hoping they have wireless so I can blog the experience. I never got around to purchasing a digital camera so I don't know how many pictures I'll have to document the week.


*Updated as of Wed, Dec 30th*

Well, I've been here for 2 days and my Dad still isn't here. He's now supposed to get here tomorrow morning. I sure hope so because I am pretty bored. Thank goodness for twitter and internet. Don't get me wrong it hasn't been all bad. The bright spots so far have been me getting to chat with my cousins. They're pretty cool peoples. It's easier to talk to them because they seem very relaxed about getting to know me and aren't pressing anything. My Aunt on the other hand is a different story. I understand she's just trying to make me feel comfortable and like family, but her efforts are really only working against her. She seems to have this expectation that because I'm "family" that I'm going to feel comfortable with them as if I've known them my whole life. I've noticed even with her children that she's kind of overbearing. So, I understand that it's in her nature to be jye controlling of situations. I don't know what she expects of me, but I guess whatever it is I'm not fulfilling that. She keeps asking me if I'm nervous or stressed, which I'm neither. At best I feel out of place because I don't know these people and they obviously have lives to lead and having me here is not super convenient considering my Dad was supposed to be here. My Dad's sister asked me if I would've come so early if at all if I would've known that my Dad wasn't going to be here until tomorrow. Honestly, I lied to her mainly because I didn't want to open pandora's box by telling her the truth, which was that more than likely I wouldn't have come if I would've known. At best I would've come much later in the week when I knew for certain that he was going to be here. It's not that I didn't want to meet her and my cousins. It's moreso because my priority is getting to know my Dad,but also because it is a tad strange to be in a stranger's house no matter how we might be biologically related.

Here's to a better second half of my vacation.

Dealing

It has been quite a while since I've blogged as you know. The main reason I haven't blogged is because I didn't want to face my feelings and thoughts like I would if I would have given them life by documenting them here. I was hoping that I could just deal with them and move on. Boy, was I wrong. Last Sunday at my church, shout-out to Kingdom Worship Center, we had an amazing yet unusal move of God. Amazing because God spoke ever so clearly and poignantly for what I and based on the reaction of the congegration what so much of us have been going through. Unusual because the Word was spoken through Bishop at our Columbia location that morning and instead of trying to replicate the Lord told him to just replay the recording at our 10:30 am service. I cried so hard....it was a cry that had been stuck for me for quite some time. This cry was so cleansing and relieving. The majority of this year has been marked with depression based on my dissatisfaction for where I am/was in life professionally, personally, emotionally, romantically, spiritually, etc. This depression was heightened by the fact that I didn't really know exactly what to do about any of it. I had broad concepts like trust in God, seek His face, etc., but I needed/need more. Last Sunday God spoke to me and told me that all I have been waiting for is just around the corner...that what He has for me is something I can't really prepare for. Basically, he told me to stop stressing. At that point I had no where else to turn and nothing else to do. So, I did just that. No, the action of letting go does not automatically fix anything but it does put the burden on someone else...the only someone else that can truly handle it; God! Bishop challenged us to remain in a state of deliverance and to not pick our burdens back up. This was truly a challenge because as I leave the safe haven of church I'm quickly approached by the reality of my situations. The one I feel the weakest in is my romantic status. Seeing his face is a constant reminder of the depth of my feelings, the state of my heart, the fact that as much as I am in love with him it doesn't matter because that is not where he is. I spoke to him this week and told him that I missed him even though I had been trying hard not to. He responded postiviely, but it's just not the same. I don't know what I was trying to accomplish, but it felt good getting it off my chest. After so long I still find myself wanting to hear his voice, feel his touch, breathe the same air, reside in the same space...I still find myself wanting to love him! I don't know if those desire will ever cease to exist. I sure hope they do because he has moved on with his life and I need to as well. There's a beautiful song by Eric Roberson featuring Lalah Hathaway entitled, "Dealing" that so eloquently describes how I am feeling. I was almost tempted to flashback to high school and leave this song on his voicemail without a message from me. I'm sure he would know who it's from.

Well, here you go. Enjoy!

Transition

It's been a while since I have blogged. Honestly, I have had lots to say and several times in the past few weeks I'll hit "ctrl + T" and open up blogger only for me to sit and stare at the page. A few times I actually started to write something only to be distracted and then come back and erase it because I didn't like how it read. The truth is I'm going through some serious internal transition. A transition that I don't really have a handle on. At GBSA's Leadership Workshop during our Titus 2 session we talked a lot about transition. Mama (aka Nekia D) said that we must identify where we are in order to maximize transition. She also said that we should surround ourselves with people who know we are and what we are capable of...people who are willing to push us, encourage us, pull us, drag us, etc... I could use some of that right now. I'm no stranger to transition...life is about change. The only thing constant in life is change. This period is so different than other times in my life, though. If I had to pinpoint why this time was different I could in 3 words. I.AM.DEPRESSED. I fought that realization for a long while mainly because I saw it as weakness and as I have said before not being strong is not always an option to me in my mind. All the signs are there though. (I googled it and have read as much as I could stomach on the subject of depression) I don't really know what to do about it, which only perpetuates this feeling of weakness. I would feel better if I had some definite plan of action to cure me of this. I've confided and a couple of friends who have really been pushing me to face my feelings and to re-identify the things that God has placed inside of me. Bottom line... I wish I could just take an eraser to some parts of my life and start over, but I can't. So, until I can figure out the pieces to this puzzle I am stuck dealing with current reality of my life.