Movin On

I have been wanting to write about this for the last couple weeks. Honestly, I was afraid to talk/write about it. I thought that if I said something I would jinx it. I would let the prince of the air in on my secret. Basically, since 2005 I have been in love with a certain young man. It's been an interesting journey that has taught me a lot about myself. For many reasons I love him and will undoubtedly continue to love him, but I have come to terms that it is time for me to move on. I've tried this many times before mainly because despite our feelings we both are in two different places and want different things right now. I ignorantly thought that I could pursue other things in my life and put my heart on hold. Afterall, being in love is a choice, right? Well, at some point in this last couple months I have begun to be fed up with the situation the way it is. We've talked...he has said things that my heart wanted to hear, but when it came down to it he didn't deliver. It came to a point where I just decided to stop putting myself through it. I don't know why this time is different than the last times or if it will be that much different. I think I have been disillusioned mainly because we haven't been in a relationship for a couple years now... we had settled a long time ago that during this season we would be just friends. Also, he hasn't done something grimy to me or cheated on me or lied to me or done of the many things guys do to gals so frequently that most times result in heartbreak. Sometimes, I would think that if he did do something crazy to me it would be much easier to move on because then I could just put him in the triflin nigga category and forget about him. I guess I should be grateful that at this point I'm able to continue the process of moving on without major heart damage. When entering into a romantic relationship my hope always is that if it doesn't work out we could remain friends. I don't know how close of a friend I will be able to be with him anytime soon because I still am very much in love with him.

Yeah, so the other part of that is I feel like I could fall into transference with a friend that I have a had a crush on for the last 2 years. I never really put much thought into it because of my love for another and because I honestly didn't think he shared the same feelings. In the last several months our friendship has grown, which is great. Good friends can be hard to come by. My crush has never gone away just put away so to speak. The crazy thing I am starting to think that maybe he likes me to...I try to deny it but those same thoughts are being echoed by some other close friends of ours that are around us often. Even after telling my Dad about it he said that we've been doing a chicken dance (most undoubtedly some Belizean terminology), which I thought was funny. I think it's obvious that I like him, but I don't know boys can be blind at times. But if he does I don't know if I want to even try to approach something with anyone just yet. I'm not even completely in the clear emotionally from the last one. Quite frankly, as much as I want to love, be in love, be loved, etc...I'm scared to enter into the possibility of something like that just yet. I definitely don't want to block something that God could be bringing into my life, though.

Anyways, like Mya said "I'll be movin on"