Fortress Around My Heart

So, I've been looking forward to this weekend for a while now. I'm currently in Delaware at the MAR Fall Retreat with my sorors and frat brothers of Alpha Nu Omega, Inc. It had been a while since I had seen some of my fam and its always good to get a break from the regulars of everyday life. So, all the way down I was amped. When I arrived to see so many smiling faces I was genuinely happy to see them. We had our first session of the night and it was cool, but at some point I became disinterested in what was going on or the people that were there. I don't know what happened. No one did anything to me. I honestly try not to give people the kind of power over me to be able to effect my mood in such a way. So, as things were winding down and people began to separate I decided I would take some alone time and go to the hot tub. That was a no go as the door automatically locks at 11 pm. Booooo! So, off to the room to get more comfortable. I contemplated going back down and seeing what people were getting into but I didn't feel like it. I didn't feel like going down and injecting myself into what people were doing to feel a part. The honest truth is although I honestly love my ANQ fam I don't have many people I would consider friends within the organization or even "brothers" and "sisters". I am thankful for the few that I do hold in either of those regards. Getting to that point was a process in itself. They have come to be the few people who I trust. Everyone else kind of gets automatically and probably unfiarly lumped into the category of other; someone to not trust because if you haven't hurt me you just might. I have created this seemingly safe (and I say that loose me because those closest to you can oftentimes hurt you the worst) controlled environment where I know what I put in and what I get out. I can be myself around these people without fear of judgement. It isn't something I did premeditatedly, but I just got tired of the bull. For a while it felt like no matter what I did everytime I turned around it was something else. She hugges him; she must like him. She did this; she must be sleeping with him. She wore this; she must be this. I think you get the point. I know that what I am doing doesn't eliminate people judging me...it's just this way I don't have to constantly privy to the murmurs of those judgements. I am different... I always have been different and always will be. I rarely if ever apologize for who I am nor do I plan on becoming that type of person, but it would be insincere for me to think that people's opinions don't effect me at some point. I can pretend with the best of them though, which isn't comfortable either because I don't like being fake. The alternative isn't much more appealing though. It's either put on some form of facade or show vulnerability to people that I don't trust with a dollar let alone my heart.

I know as I was talking to a sister just a few minutes ago about this it can be quite surprising that I feel this way because to some or even most I seem to be this outgoing person and I am. Being outgoing enables me to be social, but as I explained I often don't allow myself to form meaningful connections with people beyond just being social. I can be sincerely happy to see you and even missed you to a certain extent, but it could be just that. I have learned to detach and compartmentalize as a means of survival. Sometimes it feels unauthentic, but most times it really isn't. Acutally, very rarely is it not authentic. I'd rather just not show up, which also aids in my self-alienation.

I feel like I am rambling. So, I will stop here until I have further revelation about this. I am hoping that this will help me unload this so that I can sleep and wake up refreshed without the desire to be recluse tomorrow. We shall see...