Daddy's Girl

Ever since I could remember I've always wanted to be a Daddy's girl...shoot at some point in my childhood when I thought that would never happen I began to settle for just wanting to older brothers. Instead I became abuelo's molonga (my grandpa's nickname for me) and had close relationships with my older male cousins Tito and Lil Alex. I'm very grateful for their presence in my life especially my grandfather. We had such a great relationship. When him and my grandmother lived in Ohio he and I would take bike rides to Diary Queen where I'd get a vanilla cone dipped in chocolate. When my grandmother went out of town he'd sit me down and braid my hair despite the fact his hands were so big my hair would get tangled in his fingers. As I grew up he became fiercely protective of me giving me sage advice like keep your legs closed, if a man wants to sleep with you he doesn't respect you, keep your house clean cuz men don't want to live in a dirty house, etc. The older I got the more frequent I would get those reminders. It tickled me because after a while I could recite them word for word with him. I have so many great memories of and with my grandfather. He taught me so much about what a man is.

Despite the positive impact my grandfather had/has on my life the longing to know my father never dissipated. That desire became even stronger when my grandfather passed away in February of 2007. The absence of my grandfather in my life exposed the empty space for my biological father. Fast forward to May 2009 where I was blessed enough to be acquainted with my father and since then we have begun to establish a great relationship. I actually feel like my desire to be a daddy's girl is coming true. It's weird at times though. I don't really know how to be a daddy's girl before. It kind of feels like he's courting me in a way. He calls me sometimes to talk and ask me questions because he wants to know everything about me or he'll text me to say hi or send me sweet messages. Here are a couple examples:

"The kisses you feel is when I kiss the pictures you sent me."

"I am hitting the sack early tonight. Sleep well my precious."

Those might not mean to the average person, but when I receive texts like that or when he calls me to just to check on me it brightens up me entire day. I have at least a moment where I feel like I've gotten exactly what I've been wanting my whole entire life. What makes that even more special is because I don't often get exactly what I want. My life for the most part has been me coping with not getting what I want and doing the best I possibly can with what I do. Now, I know God is sovereign and he knows exactly what He's doing. I should be thankful because I don't know what kind of things God has spared me from by not giving me what I want, but I would be lying if it doesn't feel darn good to get what I want. In true fashion, though, my getting what I want isn't without hardship or complication. This time it's in the form of the woman who is married to my father. I don't know everything because (I assume) in true fatherly fashion he has tried to shield me from everything that's going on. She exposed herself when she decided to leave me a nasty message pretty much calling me a bastard child who is playing games and that she refuses to allow me to interrupt her or children's lives. He sends me this text today,

"Things a little complex lately, but with some divine wisdom your Dad will makes things right."

Sigh, I wish there was something I could do. I feel bad because I feel like I'm to blamefor the issues that are arising in their marriage. I know that's not true, but it doesn't stop how I feel. On the other hand I want to be demanding for once instead of ever patient and accommodating. See the thing is he hasn't been able to come see me. He's been wanting to come since we first spoke in May. I have been trying to tell myself that I'll be ok. I've waited 26 years I can continue to wait...at least I have him in my life. That's what I keep telling myself anyway. The little girl inside is ready to scream and throw a tantrum for her daddy. In the meantime I know that even if I indulged myself it would change nothing because despite his determination to have a relationship with me he has a wife and 2 beautiful girls he has to think about as well.

Does everything have to be so complicated? Do I have to fight for everything I want? I just want to be Daddy's Girl and I am fiercely afraid that I won't get to because with so much else in my life I lose those things that mean the most to me. Seems quite melodramatic right? It probably is, but those are the things that cross my mind sometimes. I wish I could tell him how I felt, but that would be so selfish of me. Selfish is not something I know how to do well consciously. Besides I know he is dealing with a lot as well.

Hopefully, sometime soon I'll be writing a post of how it was to finally meet my Dad.