Regret

Yesterday I wrote a post that for once just came out. It probably had a lot to do with the fact that I wrote it as soon as I got the desire to. As I sat in my bed around 11 pm wide awake because I took what felt like an 8 hour nap I began to weep. I regretted for those moments doing what I did...admitting to him and myself that this was the end of the road for us despite still loving him as much as I do. I wished I could take back what I said. On the other hand I hoped for just a second that maybe this will inspire him to "chase" me. That this will reignite the passion he once had for me. That glimmer of hope came and went like a candle blown out by a gust of wind. I felt like as long as I left the door open even just a little bit that at some point he would walk back through it and what I did was shut the door in his face. For those moments that I cried I stood at the window to my heart hoping, praying, and wishing that he would at the very least look back because then I would know that he still loved me as much as I loved him.

Needless to say none of those things happened last night and I don't know if they ever will. My heart is still at a loss right now, but my intellect is telling me that I did the right thing and to keep on moving. For the sake of my sanity I hope for nothing between him and I any longer. I hope that he finds enchanting love, that all his hopes and dreams come true and that he walks in the purpose that God has placed on his life even if none of those things include me.

Woke Up and Smelled the Roses

Today I told the man that I'm in love with that I was done. Not done with loving him...I don't know if that day will come, but done waiting and hoping and dreaming that one day things will be different. I'm done hoping that he'll magically one day change or better yet revert back to the person I fell in love with back when we first met; the man who was affectionate, attentive, open, encouraging, supportive, etc. That man despite the circumstances would be willing to steal a car to come see me when his car was out of commission. That man would call me even if he had only 1 minute before he had to be on stage just to hear my voice and tell me he was thinking about me. He's so drastically different from that person its hard to believe they used to be one in the same. I've tried to be a good friend. I've stood by his side and encouraged him when everyone else turned their back on him. So, yeah, I'm done. I thought I could continue to hold on and wait till he was ready to give of himself again, but I can't. I don't blame him...he never deceived me into thinking I'd get more than what I got. I just know that if I continue on this path I'm going to end up more heartbroken and down trodden than I already am.

Its a hard thing to finally accept the reality that someone doesn't love you the way you love them. I know now why they say to marry someone that loves you more than you love them.

"Remember today, for it is the beginning of always..."

“Remember today, for it is the beginning of always. Today marks the start of a brave new future filled with all your dreams can hold. Think truly to the future and make those dreams come true. ~Author Unknown

On Saturday, October 3, 2009 one of my dreams came true. After getting to know each other mainly through many, many phone calls I met my father. For all of my Twitter friends I gave as many updates as I could...If you missed it here you go. I'll try to frame the story around my tweets.

With each day that came and went my excitement continued to grow...I was so excited come Friday night that I could barely sleep; waking up every couple hours checking the time. I had planned on stopping at brother's football game for a few before going to the airport to meet my Dad :) Things got a little complicated starting with my mom not understanding that I wanted to see him on my own, but progressively got worse with my Dad's wife calling me at 8 am that morning while I was sleeping. In my partial awokeness I answer the phone put it in on speaker and she immediately begins with her tirade of accusations towards my Dad. She then decides to call me a few ungodly names and after a little bit of that I finally just hang up the phone. Immediately I burst into tears. This is definitely not how I wanted to start my weekend with my Dad. I get myself together quickly...I truly hate allowing people to affect my mood or my state of mind in that way. Now that I'm up I decide to call my Twin to vent a little and with her help I decided that I would wait to tell him until later on in the day. Resume the excitement and add in a little nervousness I am finally on my way to the airport...speeding nonetheless. I jump out the car once I get there and it seems like everyone is in my way walking as slow as possible. I realize I jumped out too soon and am on the far end from where I need to be. Then I see him...we look at each other as I'm passing. I wasn't sure because in the past few months he had only sent me one picture which was barely visible. I didn't say anything and figured that he'd definitely recognize me and that if it was him he'd say something. He didn't...he let me pass and then quickly called me from his cell to tell me that I passed him. We both burst out laughing and before I know we're hugging for the very first time. He kisses me on my cheek several times and I immediately know that whatever happened early that morning didn't matter anymore. My Daddy is here and everything is alright!

Omg! I walked past him...I saw him and he saw me and I wasn't sure! Then he called me and told me I past him. :) #mtgDad 11:29 AM Oct 3rd from UberTwitter

In my defense the picture he sent me wasn't a good one...I cldnt really see his face. #mtgDad 11:33 AM Oct 3rd from UberTwitter

Omg! I'm still in slight disbelief that this is happening....like this is really happening to me 11:36 AM Oct 3rd from UberTwitter

Soooo many emotions all at once...such an overwhelming feeling. #mtgDad 11:52 AM Oct 3rd from UberTwitter

After we hug my mom comes around the corner and they hug and speak for a minute being that they haven't seen each other since she got pregnant. As we're walking to the BWI rental car place he grabs my hand and it felt kind of weird, but more surreal. It was hard to believe this was happening to me.

As we're walking to the restaurant for lunch he asks me if his wife called me this morning. I told him yeah and that I didn't want to say anything at first because I didn't want to let her ruin our time together. Apparently, in addition to calling me, blowing up his phone all morning she also called my grandparents and both of my aunts with all sorts of nonsense. I am really starting to think that this woman is an evil *bleep*!!!

Just need to make a declaration to the enemy...you WILL NOT get the satisfaction of ruining my wknd & God will get the glory!! Amen! #mtgDad 12:14 PM Oct 3rd from UberTwitter

Daddy & I are eating lunch...apparently "she" called him & told him about the fact "she" called me this am. #mtgDad 1:09 PM Oct 3rd from UberTwitter

At lunch in the middle of a sentence he'd seem to get a little distracted and then he'd point out how our hands look alike or how I smile just like my Aunt Jennifer. He grabs my hands while I am eating and turns them over to look at our palms side by side. Precious moments I'll remember forever...

Update: Everything is going well! Dad & I r just talking getting 2know each other...on r way dn 2DC in a bit 2c sum sites & stuff #mtgDad 5:15 PM Oct 3rd from UberTwitter

Since it was such a nice day I took him to the Monument. He noticed how people were staring at us probably because we look so much alike. Our personalities are very similar. As he was talking to my aunt I decided to sneak a pic. He doesn't like taking pictures, but he didn't seem to mind too much this time. I guess that's what Daddy's do for their daughters. He just smiled and pretended to not notice.

Update: Down Adam's Morgan with my Daddy...tryna find a karaoke spot. He doesn't believe I can sing ;) #mtgDad 7:51 PM Oct 3rd from UberTwitter

So, after showing my Dad that God gifted with me some vocals I took him on a mini-tour of DC and then showed him BET. He said he wanted to know where I work in case he wants to surprise me. That would be really great. I rarely ever get surprised.

Back at the hotel he tells me more about my family (my grandparents, aunts and uncles). We really have similar upbringings. His parents were strict Christian just like my grandparents. I'm talking about no pants, no jewelry, no make-up, absolutely no secular music kind of upbringing. The kind of upbringing where it was drilled in you that if you did any of the things I just mentioned you were going to hell. Yeah, it was that serious. It led us into talking about relationships with God and truly made my heart smile to know that he was saved.

Update: it truly blesses my soul that my Dad has a relationship w/ God! ive bn wanting 2ask &just had an in depth convo abt it. #mtgDad 9:25 PM Oct 3rd from UberTwitter

The things I'll remember the most about this weekend are the little things...how he we rub my hand while I was telling him about some of the trials I had encountered in life or how he put his arm around me during service and rubbed my shoulder when Bishop would say something that hit home. The most memorable moment was when he tucked me in and kissed me good night.

Update: sigh...I got my 1st good night kiss from my Daddy right on the forehead. *guys plz note forehead kisses r magical* ☺♥ #mtgDad 1:23 AM Oct 4th from UberTwitter

I made it a point to not overplan the weekend, but I knew we had to go to Kingdom. I really wanted him to meet some of the important people in my life and for him to experience what I experience most Sundays. It was great...the sermon was on point and he got to meet just about everyone I wanted him to minus 1 person. He got to meet my adopted Dad (most of you know him as Curtis M. Brown), my spiritual Dad (Bishop Dennis), my mama (Nekia D. Jones), 2 of my big brothers (John McClure and Greg Dennis who both became overprotective before I could tell them the man next to me was my Dad and not just some guy). I was really happy he got to meet Lindsay and Ryan especially since my sister Lindsay has really been there for me through this whole ordeal. What was hilarious were the tweets, texts, whispers during service of people saying how much I look like my Dad either asking me how we were related or just flat out saying that he has to be my Father because I look like he spit me out. That was pretty great considering despite most people that I've encountered who told me I looked just like my mom I didn't see it.

Made it to church...b4 I cld even walk in some1 asks "ru 2 related?" Me: yes, this is my Dad her; omg, u 2 look just alike me: ☺☺ #mtgDad 11:30 AM Oct 4th from UberTwitter

Update: Awww my Dad's get to meet...my spiritual Dad, my adopted Dad & my biological Dad. I'm truly blessed :) 12:55 PM Oct 4th from UberTwitter

After service we had lunch overlooking the Baltimore Harbor with my twin and talked some more. They plan to keep in touch because the next visit he wants to surprise me. So, he wanted to have someone's number to be able to coordinate that. That in and of itself is amazing to me because I love being surprised although only a couple people have been successful at doing so.

Well, my Dad is gone back 2the Chi! The weekend was great even w/my big bros & Bishop tryna embarass me @ KWC :) 20 hours ago from UberTwitter

There was so much more I wanted us to do and so many more people I wanted him to meet, but it was ok because the beauty of this is that this past weekend was only the first steps of a lifelong journey as Father and Daughter.

Thanks to all who sent me congratulatory tweets, text, fb posts, gchat msgs, bbm msgs, etc. You sharing in this moment with me only helped to make the weekend that much more special and memorable.

Family Ties

So, after my post "Fragile" and some other events that occurred I started to think about how I regard my friendships. If you were to ask me how many friends I have I would reply with a very small number. I have never had a lot of friends. It surprised me to talk to a sister and for her to tell me that she thought I had a lot of friends just based on how she sees me interact with people. I am a social person and lean more towards the extroverted side of the spectrum. I am undoubtedly a sanguine choleric. With all that taken into consideration I am also a person who is loved or not. People tend to fall into one side or the other with me and I've learned to not sweat the people who don't. It's all good... it isn't realistic for me to think everyone is going to like me or even love me. Now even with the sizeable amount of people who do like/love me I still hold most of them arms length. It really all boils down to me not really trusting most people. It isn't necessarily a conscious decision to allow someone in my circle it sort of just happens, but best believe their removal from my circle is a lot more clear and distinct. They may not realize until much later that they have been given the pink slip, but I can pretty much pinpoint the exact moment or situation. See with the people I call my friends I exercise much patience, longsuffering, love, kindness, etc, etc. The thing is I've learned to not allow friendships overshadow my well-being. I can't allow a unhealthy relationship infect me so much so that I begin to deteriorate. I rarely even feel bad about it. It's like a Doctor removing a cancerous tumor from their patient. The patient may go through different effects from the operation afterwards, but I have yet to meet someone who actually felt bad for the tumor. BUT even through all that there is an elite few that are tried and true...we have our ups and downs, which only end up strengthening our bonds. We have become so close of friends I don't really think of them as friends, but more as family. They are the people who I envision being the god-parents, aunts and uncles of my children. They are the people that tend to claim my mom and vice versa. These people have been their for me when I least expected it. They have stood by me when others were quick to judge me without knowing me. They are the people that give me strength without even knowing that they are. These elite few are the people that I can be me: the uncut version! These are the people that I know I have a covenant relationship with that will last a lifetime.

Shout-out to all those people...They know who they are!

Dreams Really Do Come True

Yeah, so, by now if you follow me on Twitter or are friends with me on Gtalk you should know that the day has finally come for when me Dad and I finally meet face to face. (Insert big smiley face here) He and I have been talking and getting to know each other for what doesn't feel like 4 months. I won't lie I wish that we could've met a long time ago like he had originally planned, but I know that all things happen for a reason. My dad told me that he is grateful for these few months because we've been able to forge a bond already and now when we meet there will be little to no awkwardness. Truthfully, I'm still a tad nervous. I'm mainly nervous because I don't know how to act like a daughter. Some of you might be just like oh don't worry about it just be yourself yaddah yaddah yaddah, but really I just don't know, which isn't an extremely comfortable feeling at all. Beyond all of that, though, I am ecstatic because I can recall many of times throughout my childhood where I would dream about even just the possibility of meeting my Father. I told myself I couldn't date guys with the last name Jenkins because it could turn out we were related. I would dream of what he looked like and how it felt to be embraced by him. And now in just 2 more days I all of that will be a reality. I don't know how I'll react when I see him. I am emotional person believe it or not and I have yet to breakdown in tears so that form of expression is a possibility. Who knows really other than God. All I do know is he is coming...scheduled to land at BWI at 11 am and leaves Sunday night and I will squeeze as much out of every moment in between. What makes this more thrilling to me is I know that this will be the first of many...a new beginning...a reprise!

Dreams Really Do Come True!!! Don't let anyone tell you otherwise!!!