Regret

Yesterday I wrote a post that for once just came out. It probably had a lot to do with the fact that I wrote it as soon as I got the desire to. As I sat in my bed around 11 pm wide awake because I took what felt like an 8 hour nap I began to weep. I regretted for those moments doing what I did...admitting to him and myself that this was the end of the road for us despite still loving him as much as I do. I wished I could take back what I said. On the other hand I hoped for just a second that maybe this will inspire him to "chase" me. That this will reignite the passion he once had for me. That glimmer of hope came and went like a candle blown out by a gust of wind. I felt like as long as I left the door open even just a little bit that at some point he would walk back through it and what I did was shut the door in his face. For those moments that I cried I stood at the window to my heart hoping, praying, and wishing that he would at the very least look back because then I would know that he still loved me as much as I loved him.

Needless to say none of those things happened last night and I don't know if they ever will. My heart is still at a loss right now, but my intellect is telling me that I did the right thing and to keep on moving. For the sake of my sanity I hope for nothing between him and I any longer. I hope that he finds enchanting love, that all his hopes and dreams come true and that he walks in the purpose that God has placed on his life even if none of those things include me.