Fragile

So, my whole life I have been playing the role of a Superwoman. At least that is how I feel. I can't remember a time that I didn't feel that I was obligated to be strong. That strength was primarily for others. I felt that if I could just keep it together than they would think that everything is going to be alright. Now that I think about it it sounds pretty cocky to think that I could even have that kind of effect anyone. Well, this has been a pretty consistent storyline in my life mainly with my family. I'm expected to be the one to have it all together and to have enough strength to carry everyone else. It gets tiring because honestly I don't have it all together and I'm often times not strong enough. When I stand up for myself I made out to be the selfish self-centered daughter/sister/granddaughter/etc. When I try to be honest with them about my lack of strength they try to take it like I'm just trying to be humble. I know I have God and a few God-given friends I can lean on, but I don't always know how to. I talk, I meditate, I pray, I vent, etc, etc, etc but it just doesn't seem to be enough. I want to just shake my (insert name here) and tell her get yourself together until something clicks in her mind, but I know that won't work. Is it too much to ask to have a well-balanced relationship where it's more give and take than give, give, give with my family members??? In the meantime I got to learn how to be more assertive and lean on my friends for the support they so generously give me. Thanks Omie, Twin, and Lindsey...they've been my personal superstars lately.

Something to Sing About

So, earlier today I was fully prepared to post a blog about how as of lately I'm just not as happy with my life as I feel I should be. I was going to discuss how I think I am experiencing a quarter-life crisis. Well, God must've been eavesdropping reading my drafts because something happened to me today that planted a little gratitude in my heart. As I was sitting by Downtown Silver Spring waiting for my bus to arrive to go home a gentlemen approached me regarding me as "young queen." Normally I don't pay much mind to guys no matter the age when they speak. I try not to be rude, but normally these kinds of situations only result in them trying to get my number, which isn't something I am willing to give out to just anyone. This one was different. He introduced himself by giving me his full name. He explained to me that he wasn't trying to flirt with me or approach me in a disrespectful manner. He went on to tell me his story. He told me where he and his family lived and how he was returning from a job where the employer short changed him on pay. He told me that he only had $63 to his name and owed $75 in rent for the room he and his family stayed in. He told me that he was hoping to collect some change in order to go to the store and get something for him and his family to eat. Then he asked me if I could spare some change. He was very adamant in telling me his story because he didn't want to appear to be a beggar and because he didn't want me to think he was a homeless vagrant trying to score to get some booze. He story stuck me. It touched my heart. He was genuinely embarrassed to ask me for something since he was 49 years old and I am clearly younger than him. I have to admit. Normally if I pay attention to these kinds of requests I would scrounge up some change and give it to the person for the most part to get them to move on. In my heart I knew that God sent this man to give me some perspective on my life. I felt bad for him. I knew it had to take a lot of him to make such a request of anyone and still keep some dignity about himself. The most memorable thing was that before I pulled the cash from my pocket to give him he asked me my name and asked me if I remembered his name. I admitted I didn't. Remembering names weren't ever really my strong suit. He said he had to ask me my name so that when he got home he and his family could come together to thank God and to send a special shout-out to heaven on my behalf. He also said that he wanted to make sure I knew his name so that I could do the same. Then he looked me in the eyes and said you're already blessed, but if I could pay you back in some way I will. He asked for my email address and gave me his because he wanted the option to pay me back. I told him it wasn't necessary, but he said he wanted to. By his facial expression I knew what I gave him was more than he expected (I gave him $10) and although that was practically nothing for me it meant so much to him.

It really got me thinking about how unsatisfied I have been with my life lately. I have so many questions that are unanswered...so many unfulfilled dreams and desires...so many mixed emotions about where I am and where I could be headed...etc. I am lonely like every other day. 2009 marked the year that my biological clock started to tick...the more I try to ignore it the louder it seems to tick. But with all that I am and should be grateful. I am so fortunate because despite the fact I feel like my life isn't meeting my expectations it exceeds other people's current realities. I haven't ever felt like I needed to walk the streets praying that someone would be kind to me so that I could eat. I've never had to humble myself in that way. So, despite the parts of my life that are under major construction I have so much to be happy about...so much to sing about with limitless joy.

Fortress Around My Heart

So, I've been looking forward to this weekend for a while now. I'm currently in Delaware at the MAR Fall Retreat with my sorors and frat brothers of Alpha Nu Omega, Inc. It had been a while since I had seen some of my fam and its always good to get a break from the regulars of everyday life. So, all the way down I was amped. When I arrived to see so many smiling faces I was genuinely happy to see them. We had our first session of the night and it was cool, but at some point I became disinterested in what was going on or the people that were there. I don't know what happened. No one did anything to me. I honestly try not to give people the kind of power over me to be able to effect my mood in such a way. So, as things were winding down and people began to separate I decided I would take some alone time and go to the hot tub. That was a no go as the door automatically locks at 11 pm. Booooo! So, off to the room to get more comfortable. I contemplated going back down and seeing what people were getting into but I didn't feel like it. I didn't feel like going down and injecting myself into what people were doing to feel a part. The honest truth is although I honestly love my ANQ fam I don't have many people I would consider friends within the organization or even "brothers" and "sisters". I am thankful for the few that I do hold in either of those regards. Getting to that point was a process in itself. They have come to be the few people who I trust. Everyone else kind of gets automatically and probably unfiarly lumped into the category of other; someone to not trust because if you haven't hurt me you just might. I have created this seemingly safe (and I say that loose me because those closest to you can oftentimes hurt you the worst) controlled environment where I know what I put in and what I get out. I can be myself around these people without fear of judgement. It isn't something I did premeditatedly, but I just got tired of the bull. For a while it felt like no matter what I did everytime I turned around it was something else. She hugges him; she must like him. She did this; she must be sleeping with him. She wore this; she must be this. I think you get the point. I know that what I am doing doesn't eliminate people judging me...it's just this way I don't have to constantly privy to the murmurs of those judgements. I am different... I always have been different and always will be. I rarely if ever apologize for who I am nor do I plan on becoming that type of person, but it would be insincere for me to think that people's opinions don't effect me at some point. I can pretend with the best of them though, which isn't comfortable either because I don't like being fake. The alternative isn't much more appealing though. It's either put on some form of facade or show vulnerability to people that I don't trust with a dollar let alone my heart.

I know as I was talking to a sister just a few minutes ago about this it can be quite surprising that I feel this way because to some or even most I seem to be this outgoing person and I am. Being outgoing enables me to be social, but as I explained I often don't allow myself to form meaningful connections with people beyond just being social. I can be sincerely happy to see you and even missed you to a certain extent, but it could be just that. I have learned to detach and compartmentalize as a means of survival. Sometimes it feels unauthentic, but most times it really isn't. Acutally, very rarely is it not authentic. I'd rather just not show up, which also aids in my self-alienation.

I feel like I am rambling. So, I will stop here until I have further revelation about this. I am hoping that this will help me unload this so that I can sleep and wake up refreshed without the desire to be recluse tomorrow. We shall see...

Daddy's Girl

Ever since I could remember I've always wanted to be a Daddy's girl...shoot at some point in my childhood when I thought that would never happen I began to settle for just wanting to older brothers. Instead I became abuelo's molonga (my grandpa's nickname for me) and had close relationships with my older male cousins Tito and Lil Alex. I'm very grateful for their presence in my life especially my grandfather. We had such a great relationship. When him and my grandmother lived in Ohio he and I would take bike rides to Diary Queen where I'd get a vanilla cone dipped in chocolate. When my grandmother went out of town he'd sit me down and braid my hair despite the fact his hands were so big my hair would get tangled in his fingers. As I grew up he became fiercely protective of me giving me sage advice like keep your legs closed, if a man wants to sleep with you he doesn't respect you, keep your house clean cuz men don't want to live in a dirty house, etc. The older I got the more frequent I would get those reminders. It tickled me because after a while I could recite them word for word with him. I have so many great memories of and with my grandfather. He taught me so much about what a man is.

Despite the positive impact my grandfather had/has on my life the longing to know my father never dissipated. That desire became even stronger when my grandfather passed away in February of 2007. The absence of my grandfather in my life exposed the empty space for my biological father. Fast forward to May 2009 where I was blessed enough to be acquainted with my father and since then we have begun to establish a great relationship. I actually feel like my desire to be a daddy's girl is coming true. It's weird at times though. I don't really know how to be a daddy's girl before. It kind of feels like he's courting me in a way. He calls me sometimes to talk and ask me questions because he wants to know everything about me or he'll text me to say hi or send me sweet messages. Here are a couple examples:

"The kisses you feel is when I kiss the pictures you sent me."

"I am hitting the sack early tonight. Sleep well my precious."

Those might not mean to the average person, but when I receive texts like that or when he calls me to just to check on me it brightens up me entire day. I have at least a moment where I feel like I've gotten exactly what I've been wanting my whole entire life. What makes that even more special is because I don't often get exactly what I want. My life for the most part has been me coping with not getting what I want and doing the best I possibly can with what I do. Now, I know God is sovereign and he knows exactly what He's doing. I should be thankful because I don't know what kind of things God has spared me from by not giving me what I want, but I would be lying if it doesn't feel darn good to get what I want. In true fashion, though, my getting what I want isn't without hardship or complication. This time it's in the form of the woman who is married to my father. I don't know everything because (I assume) in true fatherly fashion he has tried to shield me from everything that's going on. She exposed herself when she decided to leave me a nasty message pretty much calling me a bastard child who is playing games and that she refuses to allow me to interrupt her or children's lives. He sends me this text today,

"Things a little complex lately, but with some divine wisdom your Dad will makes things right."

Sigh, I wish there was something I could do. I feel bad because I feel like I'm to blamefor the issues that are arising in their marriage. I know that's not true, but it doesn't stop how I feel. On the other hand I want to be demanding for once instead of ever patient and accommodating. See the thing is he hasn't been able to come see me. He's been wanting to come since we first spoke in May. I have been trying to tell myself that I'll be ok. I've waited 26 years I can continue to wait...at least I have him in my life. That's what I keep telling myself anyway. The little girl inside is ready to scream and throw a tantrum for her daddy. In the meantime I know that even if I indulged myself it would change nothing because despite his determination to have a relationship with me he has a wife and 2 beautiful girls he has to think about as well.

Does everything have to be so complicated? Do I have to fight for everything I want? I just want to be Daddy's Girl and I am fiercely afraid that I won't get to because with so much else in my life I lose those things that mean the most to me. Seems quite melodramatic right? It probably is, but those are the things that cross my mind sometimes. I wish I could tell him how I felt, but that would be so selfish of me. Selfish is not something I know how to do well consciously. Besides I know he is dealing with a lot as well.

Hopefully, sometime soon I'll be writing a post of how it was to finally meet my Dad.

Movin On

I have been wanting to write about this for the last couple weeks. Honestly, I was afraid to talk/write about it. I thought that if I said something I would jinx it. I would let the prince of the air in on my secret. Basically, since 2005 I have been in love with a certain young man. It's been an interesting journey that has taught me a lot about myself. For many reasons I love him and will undoubtedly continue to love him, but I have come to terms that it is time for me to move on. I've tried this many times before mainly because despite our feelings we both are in two different places and want different things right now. I ignorantly thought that I could pursue other things in my life and put my heart on hold. Afterall, being in love is a choice, right? Well, at some point in this last couple months I have begun to be fed up with the situation the way it is. We've talked...he has said things that my heart wanted to hear, but when it came down to it he didn't deliver. It came to a point where I just decided to stop putting myself through it. I don't know why this time is different than the last times or if it will be that much different. I think I have been disillusioned mainly because we haven't been in a relationship for a couple years now... we had settled a long time ago that during this season we would be just friends. Also, he hasn't done something grimy to me or cheated on me or lied to me or done of the many things guys do to gals so frequently that most times result in heartbreak. Sometimes, I would think that if he did do something crazy to me it would be much easier to move on because then I could just put him in the triflin nigga category and forget about him. I guess I should be grateful that at this point I'm able to continue the process of moving on without major heart damage. When entering into a romantic relationship my hope always is that if it doesn't work out we could remain friends. I don't know how close of a friend I will be able to be with him anytime soon because I still am very much in love with him.

Yeah, so the other part of that is I feel like I could fall into transference with a friend that I have a had a crush on for the last 2 years. I never really put much thought into it because of my love for another and because I honestly didn't think he shared the same feelings. In the last several months our friendship has grown, which is great. Good friends can be hard to come by. My crush has never gone away just put away so to speak. The crazy thing I am starting to think that maybe he likes me to...I try to deny it but those same thoughts are being echoed by some other close friends of ours that are around us often. Even after telling my Dad about it he said that we've been doing a chicken dance (most undoubtedly some Belizean terminology), which I thought was funny. I think it's obvious that I like him, but I don't know boys can be blind at times. But if he does I don't know if I want to even try to approach something with anyone just yet. I'm not even completely in the clear emotionally from the last one. Quite frankly, as much as I want to love, be in love, be loved, etc...I'm scared to enter into the possibility of something like that just yet. I definitely don't want to block something that God could be bringing into my life, though.

Anyways, like Mya said "I'll be movin on"

Pray Without Ceasing??? Hmmm

So, today was a lot for me. I stayed up way too late last night reading (I usually have a hard time putting down a good book), which caused me to not sleep well. So, as a result I woke up to prepare for work still very exhausted which affected my mood. I get to work tryin to move on from my mood but then stuff got real intense mainly because people can be so unorganized and incompetent, which I can usually deal with. Today was different there incompetence irritated the mess out of me and it was quite visible. I tried to cut face time with my co-workers as much as possible and just bury myself in work which didn't work either. I just wanted to go home, which wasn't simple because the buses don't start running back to Laurel till the afternoon. Plus I didn't want to leave any loose ends with my responsibilities. So, after talking to Lindsey I made up my mind I decided I was leaving. I'm glad I did to...I was able to come home and finish the book I started reading the night before (Accidental Diva by Tia Willians) and take a nap. It was good for me to escape. The problem is one can't always escape they're issues. The one thing I shouldve done that I didn't do was consult with God. I didn't pray. :( To be completely transparent I've been quite far from myself lately that my default hasn't been to talk to God. Even more honesty...I feel less than a "Christian" a lot because I'm not one who kneels in prayer when I wake up or before I go to sleep. That kind of praying has been drilled into me since young to the point that my sister and I were forced to kneel in prayer for an hour along with the rest of the membership at my grandfather's church. It was customary in most Spanish churches to begin service in this manner. Sometimes I'd pray (not for the entire hour though), but most times I'd end up falling asleep. So, now I feel like I'm not right cuz I don't just sit and commune with God for hours. Honestly, I'd rather just talk to Him throughout my day...whether its just a sentence or a full blown conversation. Either way I didn't do that today. Smch! I'm sure DAD was sitting up on His thrown lookin at me like I wish you'd just come to me...i got what you need. I gotta remember that for next time...I'm sure there will be a next time. Shoot, it might even be tomorrow.

See You at the Crossroads, Crossroads...

So, as of November 30th of this year I will have been am employee at my job for 4 years. My time here overall has been great for so many reasons that are not strictly vocational. I am not saying that I haven't learned anything because I have learned lots, but what I've gained most so far have been the relationships I have formed. For the most part I have truly enjoyed working at my job even with all its flaws and imperfections, which I figured just came with the territory since perfect jobs don't exist. As of late my enjoyment has been at an all time low. Thank God that I still have friends that work with me (in and out of my department) that keep me sane and help me keep it together. The source of my discontent with work is directly related with the recent change of my boss' employment status and hire of a new one, which seems pretty normal. I wish it was...that event was the beginning of a series of events that. The proverbial team has become crabs in a barrel with the new white woman we call boss standing outside the barrel with a stick pushing us back down if we get too far up. All in all its been almost a year since this nonsense has been escalating and with each day that goes by I feel like I am approaching stuckness. It's not all for naught though because it has me facing the harsh realities of where I am, where my life is headed and what I want to do with my life. Bottom line is I have dreams and goals and although for the last few years I felt that what I was doing aligned with where God was taking me. It was a stop on the journey we call destiny. I am not so sure anymore. Some of you may have heard that I have been considering my next life move and even contemplating either New York or Atlanta. Honestly, I don't know what my next step is which is jah scary, but I've gotten better with it. I remember my last semester of college being my most depressed time because I had no clue what I was going to do. The majority of my life from the time I was a little girl I thought I had my whole life planned out, but God had other plans. Thankfully I listened to Him and changed my major from pre-med (I used to want to be the next Ben Carson...I just knew I was going to be the head of neonatal surgery at John Hopkins Hospital.) That was a major crossroad for me and almost 5 years later I feel like I am approaching another one. It's time to kick my life in high gear but first I need God to program the GPS for me cuz I don't want to end up spinning my wheels and end up going no where. So, what to do next...

1) Contnue to pray, seek God and seek good counsel
2) Finish my vision board as a means to visualize what God has placed inside of me
3) Continue to learn as much as I can where I am and cherish the good things and the few good people that I work with.

PS. I believe that working with people you get along with and are competent make a huge difference in the overall work environment. I have been so very fortunate to find a best friend and sister in Crystal, a for real homie in Aaron, a good friend in Ayana (who recently relocated to ATL), and many more.

I hope that you all are so fortunate.

BTW this was partially inspired by a recent posting by Andreas Hale who was the former Executive Director of Music for BET.com. Check it out here if you haven't read it.

I.Am.Reprise

Well, here it is...I finally joined the clan and upgraded from my Xanga blog. This should be great since I'll be able to blog from the comfort of my blackberry. :)

So, I guess I'll start with an introduction of who I am and give some info on the title of my blog.

So, very briefly, my name is LuzCelenia Arce. I am 26 and of Belizean and Puerto Rican descent...basically I'm Caribbean. ;) I live in the DMV and work at a major TV network. I am a member of the illustrious Alpha Nu Omega Sorority, Inc., but most importantly before and after everything in my life I am a believer and follower of Christ.

This blog will represent all of what makes me who I am, which brings me to my blog's title "Fearless Reprisal". Reprise is my line name. I love it so much. It has held so much significance for me since the day it was given to me on Sat, Oct 18, 2003 at 3 pm at the University of MD, Baltimore County. There are plenty of times God has reminded me of my name as a means to encourage me through a difficult time.

Reprise (n) - 1. Musical term: to repeat, in whole or in a part, a song which has already been sung in the show; 2. A return to an original theme; 3. repair, the recurrent cost of periodical repairs; and 4. Renewing the attack after a quick return to guard.

Originally, Reprise was given to me for its musical meaning. I love music and singing about as much as I love breathing. Anyone around me longer than 5 minutes learns that about me. If the 2nd definition is taken into account my name was to serve as a reminder that like a song God was returning me to His original purpose for my life, which also lined for with my line's collective line name of "Rebirth".

So, I named my blog Fearless Reprisal because I want what I write to represent a fearlessness in me as I approach life and everything God has for me in this life. I also want it to showcase that despite life's trials and tribulations I continue to allow God to shape and mold me into what He intended me to be way back before the earth was even established.

Until next time, which might be soon!

Adios! Muah!