Familia *Updated*

So, I am sitting at the airport preparing to meet some more of my family. Specifically, going to meet my Dad's oldest sister, her children/my cousins and my 2 younger sisters. I'm excited, but weary. I'll be there through the New Year and don't know what to expect since I don't know any of them. To make things a little more interesting my Dad who was supposed to arrive this evening now won't be getting here till late tomorrow night. So, the buffer I was counting on to break the ice no longer will be there for my comfort. I think what makes me weary is the notion that when I meet them they will automatically feel like family at least that's how my Dad and his sister act. I'm not naive enough to believe that. The bond I have with my family both biological and not came with time and through many experiences that helped to breed a sense of trust and love that one only experiences with someone they would consider family. I'm sure I'll have fun. I've learned in life to make the best out of any situation and I refuse to be down there and not enjoy myself. I just hope they're not wack or something. That's the thing about family...no matter how wack they might be I can't exchange or return them.

I'm hoping they have wireless so I can blog the experience. I never got around to purchasing a digital camera so I don't know how many pictures I'll have to document the week.


*Updated as of Wed, Dec 30th*

Well, I've been here for 2 days and my Dad still isn't here. He's now supposed to get here tomorrow morning. I sure hope so because I am pretty bored. Thank goodness for twitter and internet. Don't get me wrong it hasn't been all bad. The bright spots so far have been me getting to chat with my cousins. They're pretty cool peoples. It's easier to talk to them because they seem very relaxed about getting to know me and aren't pressing anything. My Aunt on the other hand is a different story. I understand she's just trying to make me feel comfortable and like family, but her efforts are really only working against her. She seems to have this expectation that because I'm "family" that I'm going to feel comfortable with them as if I've known them my whole life. I've noticed even with her children that she's kind of overbearing. So, I understand that it's in her nature to be jye controlling of situations. I don't know what she expects of me, but I guess whatever it is I'm not fulfilling that. She keeps asking me if I'm nervous or stressed, which I'm neither. At best I feel out of place because I don't know these people and they obviously have lives to lead and having me here is not super convenient considering my Dad was supposed to be here. My Dad's sister asked me if I would've come so early if at all if I would've known that my Dad wasn't going to be here until tomorrow. Honestly, I lied to her mainly because I didn't want to open pandora's box by telling her the truth, which was that more than likely I wouldn't have come if I would've known. At best I would've come much later in the week when I knew for certain that he was going to be here. It's not that I didn't want to meet her and my cousins. It's moreso because my priority is getting to know my Dad,but also because it is a tad strange to be in a stranger's house no matter how we might be biologically related.

Here's to a better second half of my vacation.

Dealing

It has been quite a while since I've blogged as you know. The main reason I haven't blogged is because I didn't want to face my feelings and thoughts like I would if I would have given them life by documenting them here. I was hoping that I could just deal with them and move on. Boy, was I wrong. Last Sunday at my church, shout-out to Kingdom Worship Center, we had an amazing yet unusal move of God. Amazing because God spoke ever so clearly and poignantly for what I and based on the reaction of the congegration what so much of us have been going through. Unusual because the Word was spoken through Bishop at our Columbia location that morning and instead of trying to replicate the Lord told him to just replay the recording at our 10:30 am service. I cried so hard....it was a cry that had been stuck for me for quite some time. This cry was so cleansing and relieving. The majority of this year has been marked with depression based on my dissatisfaction for where I am/was in life professionally, personally, emotionally, romantically, spiritually, etc. This depression was heightened by the fact that I didn't really know exactly what to do about any of it. I had broad concepts like trust in God, seek His face, etc., but I needed/need more. Last Sunday God spoke to me and told me that all I have been waiting for is just around the corner...that what He has for me is something I can't really prepare for. Basically, he told me to stop stressing. At that point I had no where else to turn and nothing else to do. So, I did just that. No, the action of letting go does not automatically fix anything but it does put the burden on someone else...the only someone else that can truly handle it; God! Bishop challenged us to remain in a state of deliverance and to not pick our burdens back up. This was truly a challenge because as I leave the safe haven of church I'm quickly approached by the reality of my situations. The one I feel the weakest in is my romantic status. Seeing his face is a constant reminder of the depth of my feelings, the state of my heart, the fact that as much as I am in love with him it doesn't matter because that is not where he is. I spoke to him this week and told him that I missed him even though I had been trying hard not to. He responded postiviely, but it's just not the same. I don't know what I was trying to accomplish, but it felt good getting it off my chest. After so long I still find myself wanting to hear his voice, feel his touch, breathe the same air, reside in the same space...I still find myself wanting to love him! I don't know if those desire will ever cease to exist. I sure hope they do because he has moved on with his life and I need to as well. There's a beautiful song by Eric Roberson featuring Lalah Hathaway entitled, "Dealing" that so eloquently describes how I am feeling. I was almost tempted to flashback to high school and leave this song on his voicemail without a message from me. I'm sure he would know who it's from.

Well, here you go. Enjoy!

Transition

It's been a while since I have blogged. Honestly, I have had lots to say and several times in the past few weeks I'll hit "ctrl + T" and open up blogger only for me to sit and stare at the page. A few times I actually started to write something only to be distracted and then come back and erase it because I didn't like how it read. The truth is I'm going through some serious internal transition. A transition that I don't really have a handle on. At GBSA's Leadership Workshop during our Titus 2 session we talked a lot about transition. Mama (aka Nekia D) said that we must identify where we are in order to maximize transition. She also said that we should surround ourselves with people who know we are and what we are capable of...people who are willing to push us, encourage us, pull us, drag us, etc... I could use some of that right now. I'm no stranger to transition...life is about change. The only thing constant in life is change. This period is so different than other times in my life, though. If I had to pinpoint why this time was different I could in 3 words. I.AM.DEPRESSED. I fought that realization for a long while mainly because I saw it as weakness and as I have said before not being strong is not always an option to me in my mind. All the signs are there though. (I googled it and have read as much as I could stomach on the subject of depression) I don't really know what to do about it, which only perpetuates this feeling of weakness. I would feel better if I had some definite plan of action to cure me of this. I've confided and a couple of friends who have really been pushing me to face my feelings and to re-identify the things that God has placed inside of me. Bottom line... I wish I could just take an eraser to some parts of my life and start over, but I can't. So, until I can figure out the pieces to this puzzle I am stuck dealing with current reality of my life.

Regret

Yesterday I wrote a post that for once just came out. It probably had a lot to do with the fact that I wrote it as soon as I got the desire to. As I sat in my bed around 11 pm wide awake because I took what felt like an 8 hour nap I began to weep. I regretted for those moments doing what I did...admitting to him and myself that this was the end of the road for us despite still loving him as much as I do. I wished I could take back what I said. On the other hand I hoped for just a second that maybe this will inspire him to "chase" me. That this will reignite the passion he once had for me. That glimmer of hope came and went like a candle blown out by a gust of wind. I felt like as long as I left the door open even just a little bit that at some point he would walk back through it and what I did was shut the door in his face. For those moments that I cried I stood at the window to my heart hoping, praying, and wishing that he would at the very least look back because then I would know that he still loved me as much as I loved him.

Needless to say none of those things happened last night and I don't know if they ever will. My heart is still at a loss right now, but my intellect is telling me that I did the right thing and to keep on moving. For the sake of my sanity I hope for nothing between him and I any longer. I hope that he finds enchanting love, that all his hopes and dreams come true and that he walks in the purpose that God has placed on his life even if none of those things include me.

Woke Up and Smelled the Roses

Today I told the man that I'm in love with that I was done. Not done with loving him...I don't know if that day will come, but done waiting and hoping and dreaming that one day things will be different. I'm done hoping that he'll magically one day change or better yet revert back to the person I fell in love with back when we first met; the man who was affectionate, attentive, open, encouraging, supportive, etc. That man despite the circumstances would be willing to steal a car to come see me when his car was out of commission. That man would call me even if he had only 1 minute before he had to be on stage just to hear my voice and tell me he was thinking about me. He's so drastically different from that person its hard to believe they used to be one in the same. I've tried to be a good friend. I've stood by his side and encouraged him when everyone else turned their back on him. So, yeah, I'm done. I thought I could continue to hold on and wait till he was ready to give of himself again, but I can't. I don't blame him...he never deceived me into thinking I'd get more than what I got. I just know that if I continue on this path I'm going to end up more heartbroken and down trodden than I already am.

Its a hard thing to finally accept the reality that someone doesn't love you the way you love them. I know now why they say to marry someone that loves you more than you love them.

"Remember today, for it is the beginning of always..."

“Remember today, for it is the beginning of always. Today marks the start of a brave new future filled with all your dreams can hold. Think truly to the future and make those dreams come true. ~Author Unknown

On Saturday, October 3, 2009 one of my dreams came true. After getting to know each other mainly through many, many phone calls I met my father. For all of my Twitter friends I gave as many updates as I could...If you missed it here you go. I'll try to frame the story around my tweets.

With each day that came and went my excitement continued to grow...I was so excited come Friday night that I could barely sleep; waking up every couple hours checking the time. I had planned on stopping at brother's football game for a few before going to the airport to meet my Dad :) Things got a little complicated starting with my mom not understanding that I wanted to see him on my own, but progressively got worse with my Dad's wife calling me at 8 am that morning while I was sleeping. In my partial awokeness I answer the phone put it in on speaker and she immediately begins with her tirade of accusations towards my Dad. She then decides to call me a few ungodly names and after a little bit of that I finally just hang up the phone. Immediately I burst into tears. This is definitely not how I wanted to start my weekend with my Dad. I get myself together quickly...I truly hate allowing people to affect my mood or my state of mind in that way. Now that I'm up I decide to call my Twin to vent a little and with her help I decided that I would wait to tell him until later on in the day. Resume the excitement and add in a little nervousness I am finally on my way to the airport...speeding nonetheless. I jump out the car once I get there and it seems like everyone is in my way walking as slow as possible. I realize I jumped out too soon and am on the far end from where I need to be. Then I see him...we look at each other as I'm passing. I wasn't sure because in the past few months he had only sent me one picture which was barely visible. I didn't say anything and figured that he'd definitely recognize me and that if it was him he'd say something. He didn't...he let me pass and then quickly called me from his cell to tell me that I passed him. We both burst out laughing and before I know we're hugging for the very first time. He kisses me on my cheek several times and I immediately know that whatever happened early that morning didn't matter anymore. My Daddy is here and everything is alright!

Omg! I walked past him...I saw him and he saw me and I wasn't sure! Then he called me and told me I past him. :) #mtgDad 11:29 AM Oct 3rd from UberTwitter

In my defense the picture he sent me wasn't a good one...I cldnt really see his face. #mtgDad 11:33 AM Oct 3rd from UberTwitter

Omg! I'm still in slight disbelief that this is happening....like this is really happening to me 11:36 AM Oct 3rd from UberTwitter

Soooo many emotions all at once...such an overwhelming feeling. #mtgDad 11:52 AM Oct 3rd from UberTwitter

After we hug my mom comes around the corner and they hug and speak for a minute being that they haven't seen each other since she got pregnant. As we're walking to the BWI rental car place he grabs my hand and it felt kind of weird, but more surreal. It was hard to believe this was happening to me.

As we're walking to the restaurant for lunch he asks me if his wife called me this morning. I told him yeah and that I didn't want to say anything at first because I didn't want to let her ruin our time together. Apparently, in addition to calling me, blowing up his phone all morning she also called my grandparents and both of my aunts with all sorts of nonsense. I am really starting to think that this woman is an evil *bleep*!!!

Just need to make a declaration to the enemy...you WILL NOT get the satisfaction of ruining my wknd & God will get the glory!! Amen! #mtgDad 12:14 PM Oct 3rd from UberTwitter

Daddy & I are eating lunch...apparently "she" called him & told him about the fact "she" called me this am. #mtgDad 1:09 PM Oct 3rd from UberTwitter

At lunch in the middle of a sentence he'd seem to get a little distracted and then he'd point out how our hands look alike or how I smile just like my Aunt Jennifer. He grabs my hands while I am eating and turns them over to look at our palms side by side. Precious moments I'll remember forever...

Update: Everything is going well! Dad & I r just talking getting 2know each other...on r way dn 2DC in a bit 2c sum sites & stuff #mtgDad 5:15 PM Oct 3rd from UberTwitter

Since it was such a nice day I took him to the Monument. He noticed how people were staring at us probably because we look so much alike. Our personalities are very similar. As he was talking to my aunt I decided to sneak a pic. He doesn't like taking pictures, but he didn't seem to mind too much this time. I guess that's what Daddy's do for their daughters. He just smiled and pretended to not notice.

Update: Down Adam's Morgan with my Daddy...tryna find a karaoke spot. He doesn't believe I can sing ;) #mtgDad 7:51 PM Oct 3rd from UberTwitter

So, after showing my Dad that God gifted with me some vocals I took him on a mini-tour of DC and then showed him BET. He said he wanted to know where I work in case he wants to surprise me. That would be really great. I rarely ever get surprised.

Back at the hotel he tells me more about my family (my grandparents, aunts and uncles). We really have similar upbringings. His parents were strict Christian just like my grandparents. I'm talking about no pants, no jewelry, no make-up, absolutely no secular music kind of upbringing. The kind of upbringing where it was drilled in you that if you did any of the things I just mentioned you were going to hell. Yeah, it was that serious. It led us into talking about relationships with God and truly made my heart smile to know that he was saved.

Update: it truly blesses my soul that my Dad has a relationship w/ God! ive bn wanting 2ask &just had an in depth convo abt it. #mtgDad 9:25 PM Oct 3rd from UberTwitter

The things I'll remember the most about this weekend are the little things...how he we rub my hand while I was telling him about some of the trials I had encountered in life or how he put his arm around me during service and rubbed my shoulder when Bishop would say something that hit home. The most memorable moment was when he tucked me in and kissed me good night.

Update: sigh...I got my 1st good night kiss from my Daddy right on the forehead. *guys plz note forehead kisses r magical* ☺♥ #mtgDad 1:23 AM Oct 4th from UberTwitter

I made it a point to not overplan the weekend, but I knew we had to go to Kingdom. I really wanted him to meet some of the important people in my life and for him to experience what I experience most Sundays. It was great...the sermon was on point and he got to meet just about everyone I wanted him to minus 1 person. He got to meet my adopted Dad (most of you know him as Curtis M. Brown), my spiritual Dad (Bishop Dennis), my mama (Nekia D. Jones), 2 of my big brothers (John McClure and Greg Dennis who both became overprotective before I could tell them the man next to me was my Dad and not just some guy). I was really happy he got to meet Lindsay and Ryan especially since my sister Lindsay has really been there for me through this whole ordeal. What was hilarious were the tweets, texts, whispers during service of people saying how much I look like my Dad either asking me how we were related or just flat out saying that he has to be my Father because I look like he spit me out. That was pretty great considering despite most people that I've encountered who told me I looked just like my mom I didn't see it.

Made it to church...b4 I cld even walk in some1 asks "ru 2 related?" Me: yes, this is my Dad her; omg, u 2 look just alike me: ☺☺ #mtgDad 11:30 AM Oct 4th from UberTwitter

Update: Awww my Dad's get to meet...my spiritual Dad, my adopted Dad & my biological Dad. I'm truly blessed :) 12:55 PM Oct 4th from UberTwitter

After service we had lunch overlooking the Baltimore Harbor with my twin and talked some more. They plan to keep in touch because the next visit he wants to surprise me. So, he wanted to have someone's number to be able to coordinate that. That in and of itself is amazing to me because I love being surprised although only a couple people have been successful at doing so.

Well, my Dad is gone back 2the Chi! The weekend was great even w/my big bros & Bishop tryna embarass me @ KWC :) 20 hours ago from UberTwitter

There was so much more I wanted us to do and so many more people I wanted him to meet, but it was ok because the beauty of this is that this past weekend was only the first steps of a lifelong journey as Father and Daughter.

Thanks to all who sent me congratulatory tweets, text, fb posts, gchat msgs, bbm msgs, etc. You sharing in this moment with me only helped to make the weekend that much more special and memorable.

Family Ties

So, after my post "Fragile" and some other events that occurred I started to think about how I regard my friendships. If you were to ask me how many friends I have I would reply with a very small number. I have never had a lot of friends. It surprised me to talk to a sister and for her to tell me that she thought I had a lot of friends just based on how she sees me interact with people. I am a social person and lean more towards the extroverted side of the spectrum. I am undoubtedly a sanguine choleric. With all that taken into consideration I am also a person who is loved or not. People tend to fall into one side or the other with me and I've learned to not sweat the people who don't. It's all good... it isn't realistic for me to think everyone is going to like me or even love me. Now even with the sizeable amount of people who do like/love me I still hold most of them arms length. It really all boils down to me not really trusting most people. It isn't necessarily a conscious decision to allow someone in my circle it sort of just happens, but best believe their removal from my circle is a lot more clear and distinct. They may not realize until much later that they have been given the pink slip, but I can pretty much pinpoint the exact moment or situation. See with the people I call my friends I exercise much patience, longsuffering, love, kindness, etc, etc. The thing is I've learned to not allow friendships overshadow my well-being. I can't allow a unhealthy relationship infect me so much so that I begin to deteriorate. I rarely even feel bad about it. It's like a Doctor removing a cancerous tumor from their patient. The patient may go through different effects from the operation afterwards, but I have yet to meet someone who actually felt bad for the tumor. BUT even through all that there is an elite few that are tried and true...we have our ups and downs, which only end up strengthening our bonds. We have become so close of friends I don't really think of them as friends, but more as family. They are the people who I envision being the god-parents, aunts and uncles of my children. They are the people that tend to claim my mom and vice versa. These people have been their for me when I least expected it. They have stood by me when others were quick to judge me without knowing me. They are the people that give me strength without even knowing that they are. These elite few are the people that I can be me: the uncut version! These are the people that I know I have a covenant relationship with that will last a lifetime.

Shout-out to all those people...They know who they are!

Dreams Really Do Come True

Yeah, so, by now if you follow me on Twitter or are friends with me on Gtalk you should know that the day has finally come for when me Dad and I finally meet face to face. (Insert big smiley face here) He and I have been talking and getting to know each other for what doesn't feel like 4 months. I won't lie I wish that we could've met a long time ago like he had originally planned, but I know that all things happen for a reason. My dad told me that he is grateful for these few months because we've been able to forge a bond already and now when we meet there will be little to no awkwardness. Truthfully, I'm still a tad nervous. I'm mainly nervous because I don't know how to act like a daughter. Some of you might be just like oh don't worry about it just be yourself yaddah yaddah yaddah, but really I just don't know, which isn't an extremely comfortable feeling at all. Beyond all of that, though, I am ecstatic because I can recall many of times throughout my childhood where I would dream about even just the possibility of meeting my Father. I told myself I couldn't date guys with the last name Jenkins because it could turn out we were related. I would dream of what he looked like and how it felt to be embraced by him. And now in just 2 more days I all of that will be a reality. I don't know how I'll react when I see him. I am emotional person believe it or not and I have yet to breakdown in tears so that form of expression is a possibility. Who knows really other than God. All I do know is he is coming...scheduled to land at BWI at 11 am and leaves Sunday night and I will squeeze as much out of every moment in between. What makes this more thrilling to me is I know that this will be the first of many...a new beginning...a reprise!

Dreams Really Do Come True!!! Don't let anyone tell you otherwise!!!

Fragile

So, my whole life I have been playing the role of a Superwoman. At least that is how I feel. I can't remember a time that I didn't feel that I was obligated to be strong. That strength was primarily for others. I felt that if I could just keep it together than they would think that everything is going to be alright. Now that I think about it it sounds pretty cocky to think that I could even have that kind of effect anyone. Well, this has been a pretty consistent storyline in my life mainly with my family. I'm expected to be the one to have it all together and to have enough strength to carry everyone else. It gets tiring because honestly I don't have it all together and I'm often times not strong enough. When I stand up for myself I made out to be the selfish self-centered daughter/sister/granddaughter/etc. When I try to be honest with them about my lack of strength they try to take it like I'm just trying to be humble. I know I have God and a few God-given friends I can lean on, but I don't always know how to. I talk, I meditate, I pray, I vent, etc, etc, etc but it just doesn't seem to be enough. I want to just shake my (insert name here) and tell her get yourself together until something clicks in her mind, but I know that won't work. Is it too much to ask to have a well-balanced relationship where it's more give and take than give, give, give with my family members??? In the meantime I got to learn how to be more assertive and lean on my friends for the support they so generously give me. Thanks Omie, Twin, and Lindsey...they've been my personal superstars lately.

Something to Sing About

So, earlier today I was fully prepared to post a blog about how as of lately I'm just not as happy with my life as I feel I should be. I was going to discuss how I think I am experiencing a quarter-life crisis. Well, God must've been eavesdropping reading my drafts because something happened to me today that planted a little gratitude in my heart. As I was sitting by Downtown Silver Spring waiting for my bus to arrive to go home a gentlemen approached me regarding me as "young queen." Normally I don't pay much mind to guys no matter the age when they speak. I try not to be rude, but normally these kinds of situations only result in them trying to get my number, which isn't something I am willing to give out to just anyone. This one was different. He introduced himself by giving me his full name. He explained to me that he wasn't trying to flirt with me or approach me in a disrespectful manner. He went on to tell me his story. He told me where he and his family lived and how he was returning from a job where the employer short changed him on pay. He told me that he only had $63 to his name and owed $75 in rent for the room he and his family stayed in. He told me that he was hoping to collect some change in order to go to the store and get something for him and his family to eat. Then he asked me if I could spare some change. He was very adamant in telling me his story because he didn't want to appear to be a beggar and because he didn't want me to think he was a homeless vagrant trying to score to get some booze. He story stuck me. It touched my heart. He was genuinely embarrassed to ask me for something since he was 49 years old and I am clearly younger than him. I have to admit. Normally if I pay attention to these kinds of requests I would scrounge up some change and give it to the person for the most part to get them to move on. In my heart I knew that God sent this man to give me some perspective on my life. I felt bad for him. I knew it had to take a lot of him to make such a request of anyone and still keep some dignity about himself. The most memorable thing was that before I pulled the cash from my pocket to give him he asked me my name and asked me if I remembered his name. I admitted I didn't. Remembering names weren't ever really my strong suit. He said he had to ask me my name so that when he got home he and his family could come together to thank God and to send a special shout-out to heaven on my behalf. He also said that he wanted to make sure I knew his name so that I could do the same. Then he looked me in the eyes and said you're already blessed, but if I could pay you back in some way I will. He asked for my email address and gave me his because he wanted the option to pay me back. I told him it wasn't necessary, but he said he wanted to. By his facial expression I knew what I gave him was more than he expected (I gave him $10) and although that was practically nothing for me it meant so much to him.

It really got me thinking about how unsatisfied I have been with my life lately. I have so many questions that are unanswered...so many unfulfilled dreams and desires...so many mixed emotions about where I am and where I could be headed...etc. I am lonely like every other day. 2009 marked the year that my biological clock started to tick...the more I try to ignore it the louder it seems to tick. But with all that I am and should be grateful. I am so fortunate because despite the fact I feel like my life isn't meeting my expectations it exceeds other people's current realities. I haven't ever felt like I needed to walk the streets praying that someone would be kind to me so that I could eat. I've never had to humble myself in that way. So, despite the parts of my life that are under major construction I have so much to be happy about...so much to sing about with limitless joy.

Fortress Around My Heart

So, I've been looking forward to this weekend for a while now. I'm currently in Delaware at the MAR Fall Retreat with my sorors and frat brothers of Alpha Nu Omega, Inc. It had been a while since I had seen some of my fam and its always good to get a break from the regulars of everyday life. So, all the way down I was amped. When I arrived to see so many smiling faces I was genuinely happy to see them. We had our first session of the night and it was cool, but at some point I became disinterested in what was going on or the people that were there. I don't know what happened. No one did anything to me. I honestly try not to give people the kind of power over me to be able to effect my mood in such a way. So, as things were winding down and people began to separate I decided I would take some alone time and go to the hot tub. That was a no go as the door automatically locks at 11 pm. Booooo! So, off to the room to get more comfortable. I contemplated going back down and seeing what people were getting into but I didn't feel like it. I didn't feel like going down and injecting myself into what people were doing to feel a part. The honest truth is although I honestly love my ANQ fam I don't have many people I would consider friends within the organization or even "brothers" and "sisters". I am thankful for the few that I do hold in either of those regards. Getting to that point was a process in itself. They have come to be the few people who I trust. Everyone else kind of gets automatically and probably unfiarly lumped into the category of other; someone to not trust because if you haven't hurt me you just might. I have created this seemingly safe (and I say that loose me because those closest to you can oftentimes hurt you the worst) controlled environment where I know what I put in and what I get out. I can be myself around these people without fear of judgement. It isn't something I did premeditatedly, but I just got tired of the bull. For a while it felt like no matter what I did everytime I turned around it was something else. She hugges him; she must like him. She did this; she must be sleeping with him. She wore this; she must be this. I think you get the point. I know that what I am doing doesn't eliminate people judging me...it's just this way I don't have to constantly privy to the murmurs of those judgements. I am different... I always have been different and always will be. I rarely if ever apologize for who I am nor do I plan on becoming that type of person, but it would be insincere for me to think that people's opinions don't effect me at some point. I can pretend with the best of them though, which isn't comfortable either because I don't like being fake. The alternative isn't much more appealing though. It's either put on some form of facade or show vulnerability to people that I don't trust with a dollar let alone my heart.

I know as I was talking to a sister just a few minutes ago about this it can be quite surprising that I feel this way because to some or even most I seem to be this outgoing person and I am. Being outgoing enables me to be social, but as I explained I often don't allow myself to form meaningful connections with people beyond just being social. I can be sincerely happy to see you and even missed you to a certain extent, but it could be just that. I have learned to detach and compartmentalize as a means of survival. Sometimes it feels unauthentic, but most times it really isn't. Acutally, very rarely is it not authentic. I'd rather just not show up, which also aids in my self-alienation.

I feel like I am rambling. So, I will stop here until I have further revelation about this. I am hoping that this will help me unload this so that I can sleep and wake up refreshed without the desire to be recluse tomorrow. We shall see...

Daddy's Girl

Ever since I could remember I've always wanted to be a Daddy's girl...shoot at some point in my childhood when I thought that would never happen I began to settle for just wanting to older brothers. Instead I became abuelo's molonga (my grandpa's nickname for me) and had close relationships with my older male cousins Tito and Lil Alex. I'm very grateful for their presence in my life especially my grandfather. We had such a great relationship. When him and my grandmother lived in Ohio he and I would take bike rides to Diary Queen where I'd get a vanilla cone dipped in chocolate. When my grandmother went out of town he'd sit me down and braid my hair despite the fact his hands were so big my hair would get tangled in his fingers. As I grew up he became fiercely protective of me giving me sage advice like keep your legs closed, if a man wants to sleep with you he doesn't respect you, keep your house clean cuz men don't want to live in a dirty house, etc. The older I got the more frequent I would get those reminders. It tickled me because after a while I could recite them word for word with him. I have so many great memories of and with my grandfather. He taught me so much about what a man is.

Despite the positive impact my grandfather had/has on my life the longing to know my father never dissipated. That desire became even stronger when my grandfather passed away in February of 2007. The absence of my grandfather in my life exposed the empty space for my biological father. Fast forward to May 2009 where I was blessed enough to be acquainted with my father and since then we have begun to establish a great relationship. I actually feel like my desire to be a daddy's girl is coming true. It's weird at times though. I don't really know how to be a daddy's girl before. It kind of feels like he's courting me in a way. He calls me sometimes to talk and ask me questions because he wants to know everything about me or he'll text me to say hi or send me sweet messages. Here are a couple examples:

"The kisses you feel is when I kiss the pictures you sent me."

"I am hitting the sack early tonight. Sleep well my precious."

Those might not mean to the average person, but when I receive texts like that or when he calls me to just to check on me it brightens up me entire day. I have at least a moment where I feel like I've gotten exactly what I've been wanting my whole entire life. What makes that even more special is because I don't often get exactly what I want. My life for the most part has been me coping with not getting what I want and doing the best I possibly can with what I do. Now, I know God is sovereign and he knows exactly what He's doing. I should be thankful because I don't know what kind of things God has spared me from by not giving me what I want, but I would be lying if it doesn't feel darn good to get what I want. In true fashion, though, my getting what I want isn't without hardship or complication. This time it's in the form of the woman who is married to my father. I don't know everything because (I assume) in true fatherly fashion he has tried to shield me from everything that's going on. She exposed herself when she decided to leave me a nasty message pretty much calling me a bastard child who is playing games and that she refuses to allow me to interrupt her or children's lives. He sends me this text today,

"Things a little complex lately, but with some divine wisdom your Dad will makes things right."

Sigh, I wish there was something I could do. I feel bad because I feel like I'm to blamefor the issues that are arising in their marriage. I know that's not true, but it doesn't stop how I feel. On the other hand I want to be demanding for once instead of ever patient and accommodating. See the thing is he hasn't been able to come see me. He's been wanting to come since we first spoke in May. I have been trying to tell myself that I'll be ok. I've waited 26 years I can continue to wait...at least I have him in my life. That's what I keep telling myself anyway. The little girl inside is ready to scream and throw a tantrum for her daddy. In the meantime I know that even if I indulged myself it would change nothing because despite his determination to have a relationship with me he has a wife and 2 beautiful girls he has to think about as well.

Does everything have to be so complicated? Do I have to fight for everything I want? I just want to be Daddy's Girl and I am fiercely afraid that I won't get to because with so much else in my life I lose those things that mean the most to me. Seems quite melodramatic right? It probably is, but those are the things that cross my mind sometimes. I wish I could tell him how I felt, but that would be so selfish of me. Selfish is not something I know how to do well consciously. Besides I know he is dealing with a lot as well.

Hopefully, sometime soon I'll be writing a post of how it was to finally meet my Dad.

Movin On

I have been wanting to write about this for the last couple weeks. Honestly, I was afraid to talk/write about it. I thought that if I said something I would jinx it. I would let the prince of the air in on my secret. Basically, since 2005 I have been in love with a certain young man. It's been an interesting journey that has taught me a lot about myself. For many reasons I love him and will undoubtedly continue to love him, but I have come to terms that it is time for me to move on. I've tried this many times before mainly because despite our feelings we both are in two different places and want different things right now. I ignorantly thought that I could pursue other things in my life and put my heart on hold. Afterall, being in love is a choice, right? Well, at some point in this last couple months I have begun to be fed up with the situation the way it is. We've talked...he has said things that my heart wanted to hear, but when it came down to it he didn't deliver. It came to a point where I just decided to stop putting myself through it. I don't know why this time is different than the last times or if it will be that much different. I think I have been disillusioned mainly because we haven't been in a relationship for a couple years now... we had settled a long time ago that during this season we would be just friends. Also, he hasn't done something grimy to me or cheated on me or lied to me or done of the many things guys do to gals so frequently that most times result in heartbreak. Sometimes, I would think that if he did do something crazy to me it would be much easier to move on because then I could just put him in the triflin nigga category and forget about him. I guess I should be grateful that at this point I'm able to continue the process of moving on without major heart damage. When entering into a romantic relationship my hope always is that if it doesn't work out we could remain friends. I don't know how close of a friend I will be able to be with him anytime soon because I still am very much in love with him.

Yeah, so the other part of that is I feel like I could fall into transference with a friend that I have a had a crush on for the last 2 years. I never really put much thought into it because of my love for another and because I honestly didn't think he shared the same feelings. In the last several months our friendship has grown, which is great. Good friends can be hard to come by. My crush has never gone away just put away so to speak. The crazy thing I am starting to think that maybe he likes me to...I try to deny it but those same thoughts are being echoed by some other close friends of ours that are around us often. Even after telling my Dad about it he said that we've been doing a chicken dance (most undoubtedly some Belizean terminology), which I thought was funny. I think it's obvious that I like him, but I don't know boys can be blind at times. But if he does I don't know if I want to even try to approach something with anyone just yet. I'm not even completely in the clear emotionally from the last one. Quite frankly, as much as I want to love, be in love, be loved, etc...I'm scared to enter into the possibility of something like that just yet. I definitely don't want to block something that God could be bringing into my life, though.

Anyways, like Mya said "I'll be movin on"

Pray Without Ceasing??? Hmmm

So, today was a lot for me. I stayed up way too late last night reading (I usually have a hard time putting down a good book), which caused me to not sleep well. So, as a result I woke up to prepare for work still very exhausted which affected my mood. I get to work tryin to move on from my mood but then stuff got real intense mainly because people can be so unorganized and incompetent, which I can usually deal with. Today was different there incompetence irritated the mess out of me and it was quite visible. I tried to cut face time with my co-workers as much as possible and just bury myself in work which didn't work either. I just wanted to go home, which wasn't simple because the buses don't start running back to Laurel till the afternoon. Plus I didn't want to leave any loose ends with my responsibilities. So, after talking to Lindsey I made up my mind I decided I was leaving. I'm glad I did to...I was able to come home and finish the book I started reading the night before (Accidental Diva by Tia Willians) and take a nap. It was good for me to escape. The problem is one can't always escape they're issues. The one thing I shouldve done that I didn't do was consult with God. I didn't pray. :( To be completely transparent I've been quite far from myself lately that my default hasn't been to talk to God. Even more honesty...I feel less than a "Christian" a lot because I'm not one who kneels in prayer when I wake up or before I go to sleep. That kind of praying has been drilled into me since young to the point that my sister and I were forced to kneel in prayer for an hour along with the rest of the membership at my grandfather's church. It was customary in most Spanish churches to begin service in this manner. Sometimes I'd pray (not for the entire hour though), but most times I'd end up falling asleep. So, now I feel like I'm not right cuz I don't just sit and commune with God for hours. Honestly, I'd rather just talk to Him throughout my day...whether its just a sentence or a full blown conversation. Either way I didn't do that today. Smch! I'm sure DAD was sitting up on His thrown lookin at me like I wish you'd just come to me...i got what you need. I gotta remember that for next time...I'm sure there will be a next time. Shoot, it might even be tomorrow.

See You at the Crossroads, Crossroads...

So, as of November 30th of this year I will have been am employee at my job for 4 years. My time here overall has been great for so many reasons that are not strictly vocational. I am not saying that I haven't learned anything because I have learned lots, but what I've gained most so far have been the relationships I have formed. For the most part I have truly enjoyed working at my job even with all its flaws and imperfections, which I figured just came with the territory since perfect jobs don't exist. As of late my enjoyment has been at an all time low. Thank God that I still have friends that work with me (in and out of my department) that keep me sane and help me keep it together. The source of my discontent with work is directly related with the recent change of my boss' employment status and hire of a new one, which seems pretty normal. I wish it was...that event was the beginning of a series of events that. The proverbial team has become crabs in a barrel with the new white woman we call boss standing outside the barrel with a stick pushing us back down if we get too far up. All in all its been almost a year since this nonsense has been escalating and with each day that goes by I feel like I am approaching stuckness. It's not all for naught though because it has me facing the harsh realities of where I am, where my life is headed and what I want to do with my life. Bottom line is I have dreams and goals and although for the last few years I felt that what I was doing aligned with where God was taking me. It was a stop on the journey we call destiny. I am not so sure anymore. Some of you may have heard that I have been considering my next life move and even contemplating either New York or Atlanta. Honestly, I don't know what my next step is which is jah scary, but I've gotten better with it. I remember my last semester of college being my most depressed time because I had no clue what I was going to do. The majority of my life from the time I was a little girl I thought I had my whole life planned out, but God had other plans. Thankfully I listened to Him and changed my major from pre-med (I used to want to be the next Ben Carson...I just knew I was going to be the head of neonatal surgery at John Hopkins Hospital.) That was a major crossroad for me and almost 5 years later I feel like I am approaching another one. It's time to kick my life in high gear but first I need God to program the GPS for me cuz I don't want to end up spinning my wheels and end up going no where. So, what to do next...

1) Contnue to pray, seek God and seek good counsel
2) Finish my vision board as a means to visualize what God has placed inside of me
3) Continue to learn as much as I can where I am and cherish the good things and the few good people that I work with.

PS. I believe that working with people you get along with and are competent make a huge difference in the overall work environment. I have been so very fortunate to find a best friend and sister in Crystal, a for real homie in Aaron, a good friend in Ayana (who recently relocated to ATL), and many more.

I hope that you all are so fortunate.

BTW this was partially inspired by a recent posting by Andreas Hale who was the former Executive Director of Music for BET.com. Check it out here if you haven't read it.

I.Am.Reprise

Well, here it is...I finally joined the clan and upgraded from my Xanga blog. This should be great since I'll be able to blog from the comfort of my blackberry. :)

So, I guess I'll start with an introduction of who I am and give some info on the title of my blog.

So, very briefly, my name is LuzCelenia Arce. I am 26 and of Belizean and Puerto Rican descent...basically I'm Caribbean. ;) I live in the DMV and work at a major TV network. I am a member of the illustrious Alpha Nu Omega Sorority, Inc., but most importantly before and after everything in my life I am a believer and follower of Christ.

This blog will represent all of what makes me who I am, which brings me to my blog's title "Fearless Reprisal". Reprise is my line name. I love it so much. It has held so much significance for me since the day it was given to me on Sat, Oct 18, 2003 at 3 pm at the University of MD, Baltimore County. There are plenty of times God has reminded me of my name as a means to encourage me through a difficult time.

Reprise (n) - 1. Musical term: to repeat, in whole or in a part, a song which has already been sung in the show; 2. A return to an original theme; 3. repair, the recurrent cost of periodical repairs; and 4. Renewing the attack after a quick return to guard.

Originally, Reprise was given to me for its musical meaning. I love music and singing about as much as I love breathing. Anyone around me longer than 5 minutes learns that about me. If the 2nd definition is taken into account my name was to serve as a reminder that like a song God was returning me to His original purpose for my life, which also lined for with my line's collective line name of "Rebirth".

So, I named my blog Fearless Reprisal because I want what I write to represent a fearlessness in me as I approach life and everything God has for me in this life. I also want it to showcase that despite life's trials and tribulations I continue to allow God to shape and mold me into what He intended me to be way back before the earth was even established.

Until next time, which might be soon!

Adios! Muah!